A confused mind and body

 I wrote this up on August 24th 2011 and just forgot to Publish it on my blog so since then this had been sitting there and waiting to be publish.

Yesterday I was feeling so upset, couldn’t stop shaking and hated myself for it. I just wanted to spend the whole day crying. I was an emotional wrench. Today I am no better at all. I just can’t stop myself thinking over everything that has happen and I really do feel like that I have nobody to blame but myself.

Had my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady 11am, yesterday morning. He was running half an hour later, I didn’t actually get to see him until ll.30am. I was almost ready to walk out. I told Stephen that if I haven’t seen him by 11.30, then I am walking out. As Stephen knew, we had other stuff to do while we were out and about. Plus we had to be home by 1pm, as Stephen’s support person (Alan) from Mash was coming to see him.

Within 5 minutes into the appointment. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady got me to full out a questionnaire about how I am feeling etc. I wasn’t too happy about this but went along with it just to keep the peace.

 Dr Mohamed Abdelhady has decided to try me on some antidepressant, at the moment I am unsure of the name, as I am waiting on a government number to be faxed thru to Steeds pharmacy. He just said it will take two to three days. I don’t know if I need to ring steeds if they have the number or someone will give me a ring to say that the number has gone thru and I can go get the antidepressant, I wasn’t thinking straight and didn’t even think to ask. I According to mental health these are a new brand on the market. They did say that I will need a government number for them otherwise I will have to pay about $700 for them. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady decided that I am only allowed a week worth of medication at home at any one time. What made him decide this is that I am still a threat to myself. Gees if I was going to top myself on medication, I can get my hands onto Stephens medication and do it that way as I know he has drugs there that I am allergic too. I know with this new one the starting does is 15mg then it goes up to 30mg after a week or so. But because me being so bad with drugs they are starting me on a lower dose of 7.5mg. It will take longer for it to kick in. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady doesn’t want to put me straight onto a higher dose just in case I have an allergic reaction.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady yesterday confused me as he told me the last time I saw him that he wanted me to only take the Quetapel. He then asked me yesterday if I have been taking the Lorazepam. My reply was no. Sitting there thinking to myself man I am not a mind reader nor do I know what the right hand is doing over the left hand. And what he had said to me the Thursday before had gone thru my head as well. I almost turned around and said you told me on Thursday that you said that you only wanted to put me onto one medication at a time and the only thing you said to take was Quetapel. But I didn’t say anything, wish I had now. I have to live with the regret now sadly. Fingers cross I don’t beat myself up to much over it.

I had convulsions from birth until I was just on five, was in and out of hospital with them for most of the first five years of my life. By the time I started school just after I turned 5 I had no more.  Dr Mohamed Abdelhady said he is starting to wonder if I never have completely grown out of convulsions and wondering if I have neurologic abnormalities which my moods are affected as a result, he did say if this is the case, it defiantly won’t be helping the depression what so ever. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady is going to be sending a referral for an EEG to be done.

Right at this point, I don’t really know where I stand with mental health as it seems to me that they keep changing their mind on some stuff. I am really fucking confused with what I am getting told and where I stand with them. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady is still going on about that I need to trust the mental health system. How the fuck am I suppose to trust the system when they keep changing their minds, getting told 2 different things within 24 hours and I keep getting mucked the fuck around. With him keep on saying that you need to trust the system, is starting to put me off. What would make me have more faith in the system is the fact that they pull their fingers out of their asses, stop mucking me around and prove to me that they are willing to change.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady has asked Stephen what my temper has been like lately. Stephen has said that I am snapping even at the littlest things now. Stephen said he feels like that my temper seems to be getting worst as time goes on. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady explained that it will be between no getting enough sleep and the depression getting worst.

The doctor asked about my sleeping, I honesty told him that I am not getting more than three hours a night. I also told him that I had stopped the Quetapel as well because I did get up to 100mg and still not getting a lot of sleep plus I was getting side effects and that was getting too much for me. He still wants me to take them despite the side effects and not being able to operate normally during the day. I am a believer if a drug is stopping you from functioning during the day then it is not worth carry on with or going down to a lower dose. Everyone should be able to feel as normal as they during the day.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady wants me to do this chart thing over the next week. Zero is happy, and hundred being the worst/sad. He wants me to do it at night before I head to bed. I am not planning on doing it as I do not see how this going to help me right at this point. And it does seem really stupid and something I would expect that they would do with a child, and not an adult. I am not lowering myself. He reckons it could make me see how happy I get during the day. Puff my days aren’t full of happiest, it’s full of sadness. I felt like saying HELLO dude, what makes you think that I am happy when I am full of sadness and thoughts that life is not worth living at all.

Deanne (mental health key worker) was in the appointment as well. She said that I have been appointed a key worker Maxine. I met Maxine last week, she was ok but I just didn’t like her that much but I would have been fine with having hr as a key worker. I received a letter in the mail today for an appointment with a Simon Macdonald on Wednesday 3^rd of August 2011 at 2pm. I had no idea what this was so I rang, the lady who I spoke to said he was my key worker. I said I was told yesterday that I have Maxine for a key worker. The reply I got was, maybe they didn’t know he already put his hand to take you on as a client. She also said she will check it out. Nothing about letting me know what is what. I do not want a male key worker. Males cannot be trusted full stop and they are fucking creeps. what this was so I rang, the lady who I spoke to said he was my key worker. I said I was told yesterday that I have Maxine for a key worker. The reply I got was, maybe they didn’t know he already put his hand to take you on as a client. She also said she will check it out. Nothing about letting me know what is what. I do not want a male key worker. Males cannot be trusted fully and they are fucking creeps. I have trust issues also with females but that isn’t as bad as the trust issue with males. I am too scared to say that I do not want a male key worker just in case they that because you are refusing a male key worker, we cannot help you so we going to discharged you from our service. To be honest I am shit scared of males and I am going to get hurt by one again. I am just finding myself at the moment regretting in trying to get help. Especially if I can’t speak up for myself and tell them.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady Wants to see me again in 2 weeks. My next appointment is Tuesday 9^th of August at 3pm. And only Thursday he told me that he wants to check up on me weekly for a while. It has made me feel more confused as he keeps changing his mind all the fucking time. You would have thought he will make a plan with the client and sticking to it and only change the plan when need be, instead of saying one thing one week and then saying something else the following week. I am sure he is a doctor that doesn’t know his own mind or maybe just enjoys messing with his clients heads when they are at their weakest. I don’t like him very much but only putting up with him.

People are coming out with the whole you only doing this for attention seeking buzz. I keep asking myself how. It really hurts that people think like this and not having the support in real life. I am sitting here thinking if people feel this way about me, why the fuck am I sitting here doing this blog and no killing myself. What will it take for people to realise that depression isn’t a joke and it really can mess with people minds and life.

My depression is starting to take its toll in Stephen and my relationship. Stephen isn’t coping too well with the way I am and I don’t want it to pull him down but unfortunately it is. I feel so bad for pulling our relationship down. I just feel at the moment he will be better off without me or my crap at the moment as I can really see it affecting him deeply. It is not good for his mental health. It’s entirely my fault. I don’t know how to fix it, even thou I want to fix it.

I have been in tears for most of the day and have been trying so hard to keep my mind busy but it hasn’t worked. I am at a lost to what I could do to try and get myself to calm down. Cleaning, getting wood sorted and lighting the fire, cuddling the cats, watching TV etc haven’t worked. Maybe a nice long walk in the rain alone might help but if I did, the police might get rang again so I think that is out of the question.

Self hate and thinking of that everything that has happen over the last few months is entirely my fault. Seriously I don’t have no one else to blame for my depression, the crap I went thru as a child and teenager, the crap my GP and mental health has put me thru plus everything else that comes with it. I only have myself to blame. The easy way out looks great right about now. So fucking confused to what to do right now.