Starting to crash

I had an appointment with Maxine on Monday 3^rd of October. I turned up to find she was on duty and I wasn’t supposed to have an appointment with her.  I turned and said that the appointment card I’ve got at home states my appointment is for Monday 3^rd of October at2.30. I was so fucking pissed off that mental health has fucked up once again.

Maxine rang on the Tuesday and made another appointment for me on Friday 7^th of October at 11.30am.

I attended the appointment with Maxine. Stephen was with me. She never apologized for the appointment that she made for the Monday. She asked again about respite at St Dominic’s. She is going to see if she can book me in again for about 4 – 5 days and she is going to put a request in that I am put into the room down stairs.  We went over the self help techniques again.

Maxine then made me another appointment for Friday 21^st of October at 11.30am. She then gave me another appointment card.

Since Monday the 3^rd I have been trying to get hold of Tina from Health and disability advocacy and still haven’t got hold of her. It is now Thursday 13^th of October. It is kind of annoying that it has been over a week now and I haven’t manage to get hold of her nor have I heard back from her. All I can do really is to keep trying.

For the last 3 -4 days my moods have been really low. I just feel that I am starting to crash again. I just wanted to cry and I am having trouble with coping how I feel at the moment. My temper is starting to get the better of me again. I have been so snappy and Stephen can hardly talk to me without me wanting to rip his head of his shoulders. What is getting to me the most is that I started to do well and slowly coming right. I am so pissed with myself that everything is coming undone again. I wouldn’t blame Stephen if he doesn’t want to be around me at all. Always seem that I pull everyone around me down with me. It isn’t fair on anyone else now is it?

I just can’t work out why my life is so shit and I just can’t be happy.  Life hates me and a lot of people hate me for whom I am. I have hardly any friend leave and a couple are in the process of ditching me as a friend, I really don’t blame them with the carry on I have had in the past few weeks.

I feel like I am in between a hard place and a rock. I have no idea what to do to try and help myself get out of this black hole. Every day is like living in a horrible nightmare that never ends. This nightmare I am living in is ruining my life and I losing my friends due to it. It is also ruining my relationship with Stephen. I might as well become a loner and cut everyone out of my life, at lease that way I won’t be hurting anyone with my bullshit.

I am getting to the point that I just want to end this nightmare and end my life. I don’t think I can take much more of this physical, emotional and mental pain I am going thru. It is becoming a burden to carry this weight on my shoulders all the time. I really can’t wait to all this burden is gone. I really can’t wait till I am all healed again. 

I’ve just tried to ring Tina from Health and disability advocacy again and she is working outside of the office today so I have left a message for her to give me a ring. So fingers cross that I will hear from her in the next couple of days. If I don’t hear by Friday lunch time, I will try and get hold of her again.