I went to my appointment with Dr Keri Ratima yesterday (Thursday 1st of September at 12.20pm). She is happy with how well I am going with being on Amitriptyline.
Dr Keri Ratima comment how much better I am looking than I was a week ago. She said even me being sick for the last week, I still look much better. She even was please that I let out a couple little smiles.
She is happy that there has been process with me being on a low dose of Amitriptyline. She has decided now that it is about the right time to put me up to the next level of dose. Now instead of being on 75mg a day, I am now on 125mg for two weeks, then once those two weeks are up, I then go up to 150mg for two weeks, she then wants to see again to see how I am processing on Amitriptyline.
She spoke about some relaxation stuff that I could do. Also spoke about a couple of things that I can also look into visualisations and affirmations which may help me with my road to healing, dealing and coping with being sexual abused as a child. One affirmations idea she came up with is to look in the mirror, looking into my eyes and say I love you out loud and do this twice a day. Dr Keri Ratima spoke about two books; the first one is called the courage to heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. It is about sexual abuse, she suggested to only reading parts of it that I am ready to read. The second book is healing the hungry self by Deidre Price. The reason she suggested this book is that at the back of the book and has a part about visualisation in it which can also be used to help with dealing with sexual abuse and depression.
Dr Keri Ratima rang mental health here in Levin again and finally got to speak to Maxine. Maxine told her that she just found out that it has to be in writing and it goes to the doctor and he decides if he will let me change over to the other doc. Dr Keri Ratima asked Maxine what their complaint procedures was. Dr Keri Ratima didn’t say anything to me about the complaint part and I never asked. But I am beginning to wonder if she is going to be putting a complaint in herself as well.
Dr Keri Ratima wants to see me again in a month so I have made another appointment to see her on Thursday the 29th of September at 2pm.
In the last year the only person who really stopped and showed full interest in my depression is Dr Keri Ratima. It is hard to believe that it has taken a year to get to where I am now. It has surely been a long and hard journey, not just for me but those people who are part of my life. Times like now I just wish I had friends and family who were able to be there and support me 100% but sadly I don’t have that type of network. My family doesn’t want to know me and my friends have their own life to live without having to put their own life on hold just for me. And right up to now, I just felt like I am one of those people who ends up slipping thru the cracks.
When Stephen and I got back into Levin, Stephen went and seen Mark at the Labour party rooms and explain to him what has been happening. Mark also got onto Mental Health. Mark then rang today (Friday) to say he has spoken to them and I have been transfer over to the female doctor at Mental Health and I should be receiving a letter in the next few days to inform me of this.
All day my mood has been pretty low. Suicidal feeling kept popping up all the time, after a while that suicidal feeling was distressing me a lot. All I know is that I don’t want to feel this way. I hate it and I want to feel normal again like a real person. I see Maxine on Tuesday at 9.30am so I am trying to hold out to then and I might talk to her about it but it all depends on how I am feeling at the time.
The last few hours I have been thinking about how I have been coping, how I have been feeling and heaps of thoughts ran thru my head. I ended up jotting them all down on a bit of paper.
These entire things I jotted down I will list them and at least at some stage I know I can go back to it and see how things were then and prepare it up to how things are at that time. And it will be good for me I think to be able to see how I am going with my journey with depression.
- · I hid my battle with depression from most people in an attempt to the stigma attached to this darkness I am in. I think it is about time I face up to these demons and not to be scared to let people know about me having depression.
- · It really seems to be a lonely journey fighting the darkness of depression.
- · My journey through depression and anxiety has been for a year now but I can’t find that place to be able to be of acceptance and be able to understand what is really happening to me.
- · I have this fear of being found out who I really am and what people might think of me.
- · My own struggle with depression and anxiety has embraced my life to what it is today.
- · My depression must be hard on everyone around me with the literal ups and downs of the impact that depression has had.
- · Depression is defiantly ruining my life.
- · Confusion has erased many happy memories from my mind. Disturbance dictated my life and the sweat starts to smear on my palms.
- · As I slip deeper and deeper into depression, my friendships have started to suffer and my relationships with Stephen have also started to suffer.
- · I see depression as a sigh of weakness.
- · The challenges I have faced so far with depression have been hard and tough going and have tested me in every which way possible.
- · As soon as my confidence starts to grow, something else happens and it feels like the walls around me will start crashing down on me again.
- · I start calling upon the darkness to speed up and leave me, but I seem to just breeze through this dark rough patch and with no sign of the light at the other end.
- · My suffering, self doubt and extremes of self loathing along with such insecurity are also wrecking my relationships with people.
- · My mind and life is in such turmoil at the present.
I often wonder how my life is going to be at the end of it all. But will I give up the fight completely and end it all or what. If I could I want to get off this ride and ride the path of where life is a lot easier than what it is now.
I am finding it hard to hold onto life when I really haven’t got anything to hold on too to get my thru this. It’s a lot harder than it seems that’s for sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment