St Dominics - Day 5

Day 5

I got up about 8.30am. I slept like a baby down stairs in bedroom 1. I didn’t hear a thing; I crashed about 5 minutes after getting into and didn’t hear a thing until I woke up this morning. It surely was true bliss being able to have an awesome sleep like that. I can’t remember when the last time I have an awesome sleep like I did last night. I feel more charged up today.

When I got up, I took the stuff I had in the downstairs bedroom back upstairs into the room I have been in. I went out for a smoke, and made a coffee when I went back in, I took outside with me and had another smoke.

I have spent most of the morning in the room, playing around on the laptop. The only time this morning I left the room was to go toilet, make myself a coffee or go outside for a smoke.

I have been texting Stephen off and on all morning. He doesn’t really seem to really want to talk to me today, don’t know why. Maybe I am over doing it. And most the texts i do get back from him just say ok.

The big fat pig started bitch and moaning at me as soon as she clicked on that I had slept in the bedroom down stairs. I so wanted to knock the fucking bitch out. I am picking she have gotten a bit jealous with me being able to sleep downstairs. The room I was in last night is actually the bedroom for respite. So I don’t know why the hell I was put up stairs for.

I have just been trying to stay away from the big fat pig as much as I can today as I know if I lose my cool with her, she going to cop it from me and I really don’t want to mess things up for me to be able to come back if it is needed.

For lunch today they had seafood soup. I said that I didn’t want anything so I was given ham and cheese on toast for lunch. I said no to the seafood soup because I am not really a seafood eater at all and never have been. I think it is because i never really was bought up on seafood.

After lunch I went out for a smoke and then straight upstairs to my room and played around on the laptop for a bit. I soon got bored with the laptop so I went outside for smoke. Once I had my smoke, I decided to go for a walk around the grounds. The grounds here are massive. But the grounds aren’t very well kept at all. The place would be so much nicer is they did the grounds up a bit and do up the tennis courts, more trees and gardens, and different stuff you can do outside.  They could do a lot to this place. Plus I think that they should also being so kind of an activity for the clients during the day to keep their brains working and free from so much boredom. A lot of them just sit around watching TV and drinking coffee, which isn’t good. They need to be able to do some kind of activity to get them thinking, moving around and mixing with the other clients, instead of sitting in the lounge watching TV and only moving to go to the toilet, meal times, to get a coffee or going to bed.

After going for a walk around the ground, I made myself a coffee and went up to the bedroom to play on the laptop some more.  Also to listen to some music on the laptop just to break the silent in the room and to block out the banging.

I went back out for a smoke just after 5pm and walked up to the fence to talk to the bulls. Three cam close enough but out of arm reach but a forth one came along and came right up to the fence for a pat and he even tried to lick me. It was awesome. It made me think about how much I prefer being around animals more than I do humans. I have more patience with animals and zero patience with humans. It is something about animals that seem to calm me but I can’t really work it out.

Dinner tonight was horrible. We have roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast pumpkin, cauliflower with cheese sauce over the top and peas, and to top it off, it had gravy. The roast chicken was tough as anything, the roast pumpkin and roast potatoes weren’t cooked fully, they were hard as a rock, the cheese on the cauliflower was just like rubber, the peas were the best part of the main meal. But much have to say the desert tonight was the best part of the meal tonight. The jelly and vanilla ice cream was really nice and it was yum. I would of thought with a place like this that the meals would have been a lot nicer than what they really are. It could also be me being fussy about how my meals are cooked. I can’t wait to be able to eat a meal that cooked like it should be, bring it on the day I go home (fingers cross it will be tomorrow and not any longer).

After dinner I went outside for a smoke, as came back in and to go up the stairs, the big fat pig goes so you back upstairs now are you. I turned and said yeah and what has it got to do with you. Then I just carried on up the stairs. I get the feeling that the other woman that staying in the homestead doesn’t actually like her. If they don’t, I don’t blame them at all because of the way the big fat pig carries on.

I am still really home sick. I can’t wait till I leave this place. I am so over it and I just want to get back to my life in the real world. At the moment I kind of feel like a prisoner that I would like to get free of this prison like feeling. If we could have afforded it, I would of get Stephen to come over tonight to get me and take me home.  I just wish I could have gone home sooner than planned. I should have thought about it on Friday and gone home with Stephen and I would most likely have a better sleep than I did here that night.

Most of my stuff is already packed just in case I am going home tomorrow. Just have to have a shower and wash my clothes so they are already to hang out on the line when I get home. I should actually say to the staff that I actually do want to go home tomorrow and I don’t want to stay to Wednesday.

I am hearing it all from Stephen by text message and he is moaning about Selina not helping out with the house work. Now I am stressing out over it now. I feel hopeless and feel guilty that I am not at home to help out with the house work. I am in tears now over the texts I am getting from Stephen. I shouldn’t of come to St Dominic’s and just stayed at home and carry on being the house bitch and clean up after Stephen and Selina. I just feel that Stephen and Selina see me as the house maid and I should run around after them all day and night. I wish I knew of a way to get home tonight. I can’t handle all the shit being placed on me and I can’t do anything about it. Right now I am so guilt ridden because I am not at home sorting out the crap between Selina and Stephen. I just don’t know what to do for the best. All I know is that I am so sick and tired of all the fucking bullshit with other people and it is then put onto me. I am sure that I have enough shit of my own to deal with.

 Am beginning to wonder now that my depression is caused by everyone else putting their crap onto me and I am wondering if I should tell everyone to just fuck off and become a complete loner. And have no social life what so ever. I might be a lot happier that way.

I just remember that I forgot to get my jacket and the books out of the car on Friday when Stephen dropped me back off here again. Oh well with the books it will give me something to read when I get home. And hoping I don’t need my jacket. Fingers cross I don’t get to cold in the mean time.

His afternoon I have been picking at one of the packs of chips, there is still about have a bag full left. They are too oily for my liking.

I went outside for a smoke and I rang Stephen while I was having a smoke. The sun is still out but the breeze is pretty nippy. T is going to be a old night. I might have to put the heater on fairly shortly. Stephen is having a good bitch to me on the phone about Selina. I am so sick of hearing about it all. I am over the crap.

Now my Tony is ripping into me now and he seems to think I shouldn’t have gone into respite. How the fuck was I suppose to know that I wasn’t going to get a lot of sleep and nobody told me anything about the fucking noise. Fuck you Tony. Go take a fucking run and jump and make sure you don’t create an earthquake on the way you fat mother fucker.

I went and had a shower at 7.30pm, amazing enough there was still hot water. The shower was really nice. It didn’t do much in the way of calming me down. I need to try and relax tonight so I can try and get some sleep.

I rang Stephen again after having a shower and he said that he will give my key worker Maxine from mental health a ring in the morning to see if I am coming home. I hope so, because I don’t think I could go any longer without blowing my top at someone. I am just holding on now.

I went to bed just after 10pm. I ended up sleeping up stairs. I just couldn’t be fucked going down stairs. Again I kept getting woken up by the big fat pig. At one point I wanted to get up and yell at her but lucky for her I couldn’t be fucked moving. I just hope she isn’t here the next time I have respite here. Because next time I might not be able to hold myself back from slamming the bitch.