Up and away

I have had 3 appointments with Maxine since I lasted blogged.  Tuesday 6^th of September, Tuesday 13^th of September and Tuesday 20^th September.

Everything seems to be going good with Maxine. So far I haven’t had any complaints with her, which is pretty good, Which is pretty amazing, as I have put in a complaint in general over the way the mental health team here in Levin has treated me.

Maxine has been working with me to find Self Help Strategies that will work for me when I have panic attacks. I haven’t found one yet that works for me all the time yet.

I see Maxine again on Tuesday 4^th of October at the Horowheanua Health Centre at 2pm.

I have managed to read Surviving and Moving On: For Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Kim McGregor. It is a big read and it took me a month to read it. But it has a lot of Self Help Strategies. I have written down a few of them and going to try them out to see if they will work for me. It is a worth a try the way I see it.

 

I am now on 150mg of Amitripyline. I seem to be responding to Amitripyline really well. I seen Dr Keri Ratima yesterday (Thursday 29^th of September) she is happy with the way I am responding to them and commented how much better I look now. She asked if I have noticed the changed within myself, which I have, as I seem to be having more up day than down days now. Dr Keri Ratima said that I am going to be on Amitripyline for at least 2 years. If I have any say in the matter I defiantly won’t be on them for that long.

 

I have been to respite at St Dominic’s in Feilding. I didn’t have a very good time or didn’t get to relax much at all. I will post the dairy type thing I did each day while I was there. And most likely will put up some photos of St Dominic onto my blog as well. But I missed home heaps and by the Sunday night I was all ready to head home.

 

I finally got my way with mental health and got changed over to the female mental health doctor about a month ago. But I am still waiting for appointment to see her.

 

I have made a complaint about the service I have been getting with mental health. I did the complaint thru Tina Auckram at the Palmerston North office of Nationwide Health and Disability Advocacy Service. Mid central have received the complaint and now it is a waiting game to hear back from them about the complaint and see if they are prepared to have a meeting to discussed my complaint. I just hope it isn’t dragged out like it way the last time I put a complaint in so fingers cross for that.

 

I am still not sleeping very well at night. Not sure what to do about it to be honest. And my panic attacks are still happening but not as bad as it was about a month ago. So the panic attacks are starting to become less now so hopefully it is becoming less and less over time. All I can do is keep my fingers cross that the panic attacks will disappear with a bit of time.

 

Things in general have been fairly good since I have last blogged. I feel I am coping with the depression a lot better now. I haven’t been in a police cell for some time now, which is a plus for me and less stressful on everyone else involved. Things on the hole are improving but still a long way to go yet.

Fighting the battle

I went to my appointment with Dr Keri Ratima yesterday (Thursday 1^st of September at 12.20pm). She is happy with how well I am going with being on Amitriptyline.

Dr Keri Ratima comment how much better I am looking than I was a week ago. She said even me being sick for the last week, I still look much better. She even was please that I let out a couple little smiles.

She is happy that there has been process with me being on a low dose of Amitriptyline. She has decided now that it is about the right time to put me up to the next level of dose. Now instead of being on 75mg a day, I am now on 125mg for two weeks, then once those two weeks are up, I then go up to 150mg for two weeks, she then wants to see again to see how I am processing on Amitriptyline.

She spoke about some relaxation stuff that I could do. Also spoke about a couple of things that I can also look into visualisations and affirmations which may help me with my road to healing, dealing and coping with being sexual abused as a child. One affirmations idea she came up with is to look in the mirror, looking into my eyes and say I love you out loud and do this twice a day. Dr Keri Ratima spoke about two books; the first one is called the courage to heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. It is about sexual abuse, she suggested to only reading parts of it that I am ready to read. The second book is healing the hungry self by Deidre Price. The reason she suggested this book is that at the back of the book and has a part about visualisation in it which can also be used to help with dealing with sexual abuse and depression.

Dr Keri Ratima rang mental health here in Levin again and finally got to speak to Maxine. Maxine told her that she just found out that it has to be in writing and it goes to the doctor and he decides if he will let me change over to the other doc. Dr Keri Ratima asked Maxine what their complaint procedures was. Dr Keri Ratima didn’t say anything to me about the complaint part and I never asked. But I am beginning to wonder if she is going to be putting a complaint in herself as well.

Dr Keri Ratima wants to see me again in a month so I have made another appointment to see her on Thursday the 29^th of September at 2pm.

In the last year the only person who really stopped and showed full interest in my depression is Dr Keri Ratima. It is hard to believe that it has taken a year to get to where I am now. It has surely been a long and hard journey, not just for me but those people who are part of my life. Times like now I just wish I had friends and family who were able to be there and support me 100% but sadly I don’t have that type of network. My family doesn’t want to know me and my friends have their own life to live without having to put their own life on hold just for me. And right up to now, I just felt like I am one of those people who ends up slipping thru the cracks.

When Stephen and I got back into Levin, Stephen went and seen Mark at the Labour party rooms and explain to him what has been happening. Mark also got onto Mental Health. Mark then rang today (Friday) to say he has spoken to them and I have been transfer over to the female doctor at Mental Health and I should be receiving a letter in the next few days to inform me of this.

All day my mood has been pretty low. Suicidal feeling kept popping up all the time, after a while that suicidal feeling was distressing me a lot. All I know is that I don’t want to feel this way. I hate it and I want to feel normal again like a real person. I see Maxine on Tuesday at 9.30am so I am trying to hold out to then and I might talk to her about it but it all depends on how I am feeling at the time.

The last few hours I have been thinking about how I have been coping, how I have been feeling and heaps of thoughts ran thru my head. I ended up jotting them all down on a bit of paper.

These entire things I jotted down I will list them and at least at some stage I know I can go back to it and see how things were then and prepare it up to how things are at that time. And it will be good for me I think to be able to see how I am going with my journey with depression.  

• ·         I hid my battle with depression from most people in an attempt to the stigma attached to this darkness I am in. I think it is about time I face up to these demons and not to be scared to let people know about me having depression.
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• ·         It really seems to be a lonely journey fighting the darkness of depression.
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• ·         My journey through depression and anxiety has been for a year now but I can’t find that place to be able to be of acceptance and be able to understand what is really happening to me.  
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• ·         I have this fear of being found out who I really am and what people might think of me.
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• ·         My own struggle with depression and anxiety has embraced my life to what it is today.
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• ·         My depression must be hard on everyone around me with the literal ups and downs of the impact that depression has had.
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• ·         Depression is defiantly ruining my life.
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• ·         Confusion has erased many happy memories from my mind. Disturbance dictated my life and the sweat starts to smear on my palms.
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• ·         As I slip deeper and deeper into depression, my friendships have started to suffer and my relationships with Stephen have also started to suffer.
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• ·         I see depression as a sigh of weakness.
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• ·         The challenges I have faced so far with depression have been hard and tough going and have tested me in every which way possible.
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• ·         As soon as my confidence starts to grow, something else happens and it feels like the walls around me will start crashing down on me again.
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• ·         I start calling upon the darkness to speed up and leave me, but I seem to just breeze through this dark rough patch and with no sign of the light at the other end.
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• ·         My suffering, self doubt and extremes of self loathing along with such insecurity are also wrecking my relationships with people.
• ·         My mind and life is in such turmoil at the present.

I often wonder how my life is going to be at the end of it all. But will I give up the fight completely and end it all or what. If I could I want to get off this ride and ride the path of where life is a lot easier than what it is now.

I am finding it hard to hold onto life when I really haven’t got anything to hold on too to get my thru this. It’s a lot harder than it seems that’s for sure.

Making head way

On the 25^th of August Stephen made me go to my GP as I had over 100 panic attacks in less than 48 hours. He tried ringing and left a message on the nurses answer phone. When we got into Palmerston North, we went around to Stephens’s dads place and Stephen tried ringing again. We hadn’t heard anything by 2.15pm so we headed over to Best Care in Maxwell’s Line.

Stephen went in and asked if they had any appointments with the doctor left. They had one for 2.40pm so he took that one. We sat in the car and talked until it was time to go in. He wasn’t sure what doctor I was seeing. But I was cool with who ever, I was pretty much past giving a fuck at that time.

I stuck a Dr Keri Ratima who was to my surprise was actually pretty awesome and easy going. She is an older Maori woman and very well spoken. I actually like her and liked the way she was willing to help.

 Stephen and I told her what had been happening and she actually took note. She asked questions, I answered honesty.

We also told her that I was on Mirtazapine but haven’t taken it for about a week at that stage. Stephen told her how it was affecting my moods etc and I have been so much calmer without it and that we had tried to tell Dr Mohamed Abdelhady but he seemed not to listen about the effects it was having on me.

Dr Keri Ratima agreed that it was the right med for me and we decided to give Amitriptyline a try. She started me on 75mg. She said that she wanted to see me again in a week time and it had to be on a Thursday as she is only at Best Care on a Thursday.

She tried to ring Maxine from mental health and got the answer phone. So she left a message for Maxine to get hold of me to let me know how to change doctors with them. And also to give her a ring and she was only available on Thursdays at Best care. Dr Keri Ratima said that on their answer phone said that they had training that day.

Dr Keri Ratima also did a Green Prescription for 15 minutes, light walking for 7 days a week and the medical condition she put it under depression/anxiety. I hadn’t managed to really do this all week as by Friday morning I had come down sick.

Dr Keri Ratima also did this depression test thing that helps GP’s to know how serious the depression is in someone and what medications would suit. My one came back as to having serious depression. She asked me how I was feeling at the time, I told her and she was a bit worried as I was at the border line of being suicidal. She said to me that if I found myself making a plan of harming myself, I need to ring crisis team before it gets to the point that I do end up harming myself.

Being sick all week and being on Amitriptyline, I slept heaps. Sleep had come really easy which in a lot of ways is good as it was giving my body time to heal from being sick physically and mentally.

I made another appointment with Dr Keri Ratima for Thursday 1^st of September 2011 at 12.20pm.

Stephen has noticed the big different in me in general. He said that since I have been off Mirtazapine and he said that he is sure that the Amitriptyline is kicking in as I have been that little calmer since I’ve been on it and I don’t seem to be down as bad as I have leading up to being put onto Amitriptyline.

On Wednesday the 31^st of August I hadn’t heard from Maxine so I rang Mental Health. She wasn’t in the office so I left her a message to ring me back. When Maxine rang back, I asked her how do I get on with changing doctors and she got really bitchy with me. Maxine said that I really can’t change doctors even after me telling her what happen. She also said that if the change did happen it was up to the doctor I was under. But she did say that she will talk to the doctors in the morning.

Stephen notices the shift in my mood after speaking to Maxine. My mood had gone a lot lower than it was just before Maxine rang. Honesty dealing with mental health has been so stressful. I don’t know what is worst, depression or dealing with mental health. I felt like I was stuck in between a hard place and a rock and not knowing where to turn from here. I am so sick of the way mental health is treating me. It is going to get to the point where I am just going to really snap and the Horowhenua Mental Health Team is going to cop it all from me. It is only going to be a matter of time when and where it is going to happen. And what the outcome of it all is.

In the last week my moods have been better, I wouldn’t say my moods have been the best but has been better than it has been for a few weeks. I still am down but not as bad if that makes sense. But I have a long way to go but time is the key I think.

Part from Maxine pissing me off with what she said, the only other thing that has got under my skin this week was that the hospital cancels an appointment with the Gynaecology clinic on Tuesday morning. I had an appointment for Tuesday the 30^th of august at 11am. The only reason they gave me was that the doctor decided that he didn’t want to drive down to the Horowhenua Health Centre from Palmerston North. But another appointment has been made for the 6^th of September 2011 at 1pm. I will be so fucked off with Mid Central Health if this one get cancel on me.

In two minds

I saw Maxine today. The appointment with her went fine. We did the forms for St Dominic’s and she is going to fax them off to the person who deals with the respite side of it. She explained a bit about St Dominic’s to me and what I need to take and what is provided. She also said that they will transport me to Feilding and back to Levin again. She spoke to me again about things I enjoy doing and what I can do when I get into a state.

I did attend the appointment on my own, as Kelly nor could Stephen be with me. As Kelly has a sick child at the moment and Stephen had appointment to see his MASH support person Alan. But as it turned out Stephen could had come with me as he was still waiting for his support person to turn up when I walked out to the car to have a smoke after seeing Maxine.

Maxine has made another appointment for me in 2 weeks time to see her again. The appointment is Tuesday the 6^th of September at 9.30am.

All day I had been in two minds about keeping my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady at 2pm. Just as Stephen was dropping me off at the Horowhenua Health Centre I said I won’t go. After my appointment with Maxine I went out to the car to have a smoke. Stephen was still waiting for his support worker from MASH so we sat in the car and talked. I said to him that I wasn’t really sure if I really should go and see Dr Mohamed Abdelhady. In the end I decided to see him so I went in when Stephens support person turned up.

I check in at the main desk and went around to the waiting room. I went to the toilet before sitting down to wait. I waited for about 15 minutes and decided to go. There were two reasons why I didn’t wait. 1) I was shit scared that he would do something like what happen the last time and I was scared that he would play on the fact that I was on my own and being very vulnerable, and 2) I wasn’t prepared to wait any long as I did as my appointment was for 2pm and no later (I am sure I am the most impatient person ever).

I went and sat in the car and waited for Stephen. I didn’t know that he and his support person were sitting in the Mash car in the car park, if I had of known then I would have hurried him up a lot sooner. When he did get into the car, I told him that I changed my mind and just came and sat in the car and waited for him.

I think my main problem yesterday while I was waiting was panic attacks and what happen last time I saw Dr Mohamed Abdelhady played on my mind as well. I really don’t know what to do regarding Dr Mohamed Abdelhady. Part of me doesn’t want to see him again and the other half of me wants to let rip at him over what he said to me. I am finding it so hard to let go what he had said.

Ever since I have been having panic attacks plus a few where I have hyperventilated with the panic attack. The panic attacks where I have hyperventilated with I freaked out as I have never been that bad in the past. It was pretty scary to say at the very lease.

Since the panic attacks started yesterday, I have been feeling more exhausted than normal, and not being able to concentrating on things fully. It has been so over overwhelming in the last 24 hours. Stephen and Kelly really don’t want to know at the moment and now the whole isolating feeling is starting to kick in. It wouldn’t shock me if Kelly and Stephen were feeling shame or embarrassment. I feel so ashamed about having mental health problems. It has been a hard road as a lot of people misunderstand and are so prejudice against people with mental health issues. Wish people would understand that their discrimination can actually do more harm than good.

All day along with the panic attacks, I’ve been having catastrophic thoughts; anxious and feeling like that my depression is a punishment for all my moral failures in my life. But deep down I know that the arising Psychological problems I have are from all the shit and abuse in the past. But knowing that still doesn’t help with what is happening now and how I am feeling. I really don’t want to feel the way I am.

I am at getting to the point of wanting to harm myself, I don’t how but just that feeling is starting to come on. I am acknowledging that I need to seek help but I am ashamed of it and scared that I will be judged. Right now I wish I had the spare money to go buy some alcohol as I feel like getting drunk.

I am still not taking the Mirtazapine. It has been a week today since the last time I took a does. Stephen wants me to start taking them again, but I don’t as I know how they affect me and he is the one that normally on the receiving end. Maybe I need to remind him of this. Hope he clicks on to it sooner or later that Mirtazapine isn’t the right med for me.

Don’t have any enjoyment in life

I had my appointment with Maxine from mental health on the 16^th of August 2011 at 1.30pm. Stephen came with me.

The appointment went ok. Maxine spoke to me about things I could do when I get upset, angry or just down in the dumps. I just said that I don’t get enjoyment out of anything at the moment and the things I do enjoy; I need to be in the right sort of mood.

Stephen did comment that I clean the house from top to bottom when my moods are really low. Maine did say that it is a good thing to do and it will help me in the long run.

She also spoke to me about needing time out. She suggested that I go into the bedroom and maybe put something onto the door saying something along the lines of please leave me alone.

While seeing Maxine I had a panic attack. I never said anything and I don’t think that Stephen and Maxine had notice. The attack had calm down by the time Stephen and I left thankfully.

She wants me to think about thing that I could do that might help me with the way I am feeling and with my depressions. She also made another appointment for me to see her on Tuesday 22^nd of August at 1pm. She can’t make my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady at 2pm on Tuesday 22^nd of August.

I noticed while in the appointment with Maxine that I started to get shitty. I don’t know if it was towards Maxine, Stephen or me, or maybe all three. I have been wondering if it is just frustration in general is kicking in. I know that I have been getting frustrated with myself a lot as I hate feeling the way I have been.

The last week has gone so slow for me. I haven’t got the energy to do anything and feel so exhausted mentally and physically. Even doing house work or taking a shower is a big effort these days. 

Stephen has been in respite since Thursday 18^th of August and be home on Tuesday 22^nd of August. It sure has been quiet around home without him. I was lazy the whole weekend. I haven’t done much at all. I only did dishes, washing and cooked dinner for Selina and me. It has been nice to be able to have some me time for the weekend.

The last time I took Mirtazapine was on Wednesday night. I am at the point I really don’t want to take it as it is making me worst than I really am. Mood swings have been bad when I am taking the Mirtazapine but as soon as I stop taking it and within a couple of my mood swings aren’t anywhere near as bad. I will tell Dr Mohamed Abdelhady on Tuesday. I hope the fuck he will take note. But I won’t be holding my breath there.

I am not looking forward to my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady with what happen last time. Deep down I don’t want to show up to my appointment with him. I am happy to turn up to see Maxine. I most likely make up my mind after seeing Maxine and see what kind of mood I am in.

My sleeping over the weekend has been better than it has been but it could be a lot better too. Instead of getting a max of broke sleep of 3 hours a night, I been getting about 4 to 5 hours of broken sleep a night. Bit more is better than what I had been getting.

I have been having a fair few panic attacks over the last week. I think that has sucked some of energy out of me as well. I have no idea how to cope with the panic attacks. Maybe it is something that I need to speak to Maxine about.

Kelly and I went for a walk tonight to the money machine, countdown and KFC then home again. I was hoping that it would help to lift my mood but it didn’t which was a bit disappointing. I just felt like just cuddling up in bed and just watch TV. I am so worried because of my depression that I am going to get so lazy and just don’t want to get out of bed if I really didn’t have too.

I had a sore lower back for about 2 weeks and was thinking that it was caused by stress so I just brushed it off. In the end Stephen made me go to the GP. It turned out that my lower back pain was cause by a urine infection. Funny enough I didn’t have any other symptoms at the time. Since I went to the GP, the burning when passing and my bladder starts spamming from time to time. Thursday was the worst for spamming of the bladder as I was double up in pain for about an hour and a half. The last time I had an infection, I had no symptoms at all. I think being run down hasn’t helped the infection from clearing.

It’s my entire fault

 Has taken me over a week to post this up. I have been really slack lately.

On Tuesday the 9^th of August 2011 I attended my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady at 3pm. Both Stephen and Kelly attended the appointment with me.

The appointment went from bad to shit within about half an hour. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady was completely a big fat twat that everything he said was right and gave that I knew nothing. He is one fucking asshole. All day I just didn’t want to attend the appointment as I had a gut feeling that it was not going to go well.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady got me to fill out the same questionnaire like I did the time before, which was all good with me. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady then looked at the questionnaire and said that it was pretty much the same as last time. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady then asked what had been happening so we told him. Stephen got to the point to saying that I am unbearable to be around, it was like walking on egg shells with me at the moment and it is starting to affect our relationship. 

I told Dr Mohamed Abdelhady that I was wanting to self harm and I have self harm once by using a knife on my right wrist and cutting it. Also I said that it has a lot worst in the past two weeks since I saw him last.

We told Dr Mohamed Abdelhady that we are unsure if I am having a bit of a reaction to Mirtazapine or to something else as I have broken out with a bit of a rash on my face, arms and back. At that point he didn’t seem to care a hell a lot, apart from telling me to take anti-allergic medication for a week then stop. 

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady then started to go on about Stephen and mine relationship, how my depression is caused by it and it is my fault now because I have the depression etc. Then he goes onto say that we need relationship counselling, I refused and reminded him that I do not do the whole counselling buzz and why. He was told right at the start that I don’t trust the fuckers and never have.  He was going to me that you shouldn’t let one or two bad experiences let you stop from having trust in them. I felt like saying well I like you to walk in my shoes and see how you fucking feel cunt but I am wishing I had said something along those lines.

By this stage I was really regretting about keeping my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady. I just wished that I could just disappear at the snap of my fingers. I felt guilty because the shit I have had in my life and because of it, that I do not have any trust in anyone.

He kept going on about needing to trust. I then turned and said it is like me not being able to fully trust mental health because mental health keeps fucking me around. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady then turned around and said to me that I shouldn’t be there seeing him then. I just stood up and said well I just leave now then and I just walked out. I remember hearing Stephen say, see what I have to deal with everyday. He said it in a way that made me feel like I was wasting his time. Both Kelly and Stephen were horrified about what just happen. I don’t think those two knew what to think or say right at that point. Kelly said later on after the appointment that she knew that something was going to happen when he went on about the relationship counselling and I refused. As she said I clamped up. I just left Kelly and Stephen just sitting there.

As I was walking off Kelly came after me. When I heard her call out to me, I just said to her to piss off and leave me the fuck alone. As I got to the grass to the town side of the Horowhenua Health Centre I just dropped to the ground and by the time I hit the ground I was into full on tears. After a few minutes I got myself together and headed down parker ave and sat at Playford Park for a bit.

While I was sitting at Playford Park I text Stephen and said I am so fucking sorry for causing so much stress in the relationship. If you want to break up with me then I don’t blame you. Tell me if it is over and I will leave.

When I walked out, Kelly said to Dr Mohamed Abdelhady should I go after her. He said yes. While Kelly came after me, Dr Mohamed Abdelhady started talking to Stephen, saying to him that he needs to go and see his doctor about how he gets worried and stress about things that people normally don’t get stress about.

Then Stephen said that’s when Kelly walked back in and said that I won’t come back and I told her to fuck off and leave me alone.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady then started talking to them about Mirtazapine. Both Kelly and Stephen think he said that he wants to put the Mirtazapine up from ½ tablets to 1 tablet a day. But they can’t fully remember. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady also added that he wants me to take Loratadine for a week then stop it and he also wants a blood test done as that can sometimes show if someone is having allergic reaction to medication.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady then made another appointment for me for Tuesday 23^rd of August at 2pm.

Stephen said to Dr Mohamed Abdelhady that he thinks that I should be admitted to ward 21. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady said no at this stage but they have thought about putting me into respite first and see how I go and see if that works first and if that doesn’t help then they will think about admitting me to ward 21. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady said that they are hoping to see if I act any different without anyone from my normal circle of people. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady said that if it doesn’t help then he will look at me being admitted. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady doesn’t want me to be admitted at this stage for two reasons. First reason was that they no doubt won’t let me stay for the amount of time I need. The second reason Stephen can’t remember what it was.

Stephen said that I got annoyed because he said to me at the last meeting that I have Maxine as my key worker then I get this letter stating that I have a appointment with a Simon MacDonald for the Wednesday the following week, also getting told over the phone that he was my key worker when I rang to ask about it. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady said that they gave me Simon MacDonald at the start but then decided that they were going to have Maxine as my key worker as they seen the way I reacted with Maxine at one of the appointments and they thought I will get on with her better. So according to Dr Mohamed Abdelhady I have Maxine as a key worker. Hopefully the story doesn’t change again.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady gave Stephen my appointment card and the blood test form. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady said he will get Maxine to give me a ring on the Wednesday and said to Stephen that he will see him at the next appointment. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady forgot to give Stephen the script for Loratadine. Then Kelly and Stephen left.

I rang Kelly on her cell phone to see where they were at. She said that they were on the way back to our place and where was I. I told her and she said that they will come now and pick me up.

On the way home I broke down in tears again and was just beside myself with how the appointment turned out. Both Stephen and Kelly tried to calm me down as Stephen was driving the car. When we got home, I just sat on the sofa and just cried. While Kelly makes a hot Milo for us all and then jumped onto facebook for a bit, Stephen went out and started cleaning up the car shed.

Sometime between 4pm and 4.30pm I walked out and fucked off for a few hours. I was at that stage I don’t have the energy physically, emotionally or mentally to go on. I just wanted to end it right there and then. I walked around Levin between 5 and 6 hours.

In that time Stephen got really worried about me. He had ringed the crisis team and spoke to them. Crisis team said to him to try and get me home and if not just to ring the police. So at about 6.30 pm he did. In my wondering state I had only seen one police car.

I was heading home. As I was walking up Cambridge Street towards Bath Street, I started to have a panic attack. I don’t really know what bought it on. I was still having it as I got to Bath Street and at the same time decided to go over the railway lines to walk along the south service lane. It hadn’t clicked at that stage that there was a train coming. I shot across the railway line and about 10 to 20 seconds later the train went pass. That’s when it hit me that there was a train and I could have got hit. I think this made my panic attack worst. I carried on home. Crossing Queen Street into the north service land and coming out of an ally type thing that came out across the road to KFC.

I ended stopping off at Kelly’s place on the way home for a toilet stop. Kelly and I spoke for a few minutes. She asked me now I was and told her my mood hasn’t changed.  After that I carried on home. Stephen had a shower and then rang the police to let them know that I arrived home. That was ok. Stephen rang the crisis team when I was about to take an overdose. He told the crisis team and they told him to take the drugs off me and they rang the police. The police came and took me down to the police station. I was then processed and put into the cell.

 I wait for over 4 hours for the crisis team to arrive. They did their assessment. They were shocked with the treatment that I received to date from the Horowhenua Mental Health team. They said that they will send them a report and in the report they will tell Levin that they need to get their act together and bring me into the loop so I know what is going on and I am not getting confused with getting told two different things or not getting told at all. The police took me home. I got home sometime between 4.30am and 5am plus I had to be up at lease 8am because Stephen had a hospital appointment at Palmerston North Hospital at 9.15am.

Maxine didn’t ring at all on the Wednesday so Stephen rang and asked for her to find she was in Otaki. So he left a message for her to ring and he asked about putting the Mirtazapine to one tablet, they told Stephen that the doctors notes had not been written up and put into file yet and at this stage stay at a half tab.

On the Thursday Stephen and I had gone to Palmerston North because Stephen had a doctor’s appointment. Maxine had rang and left a message on our landline answer phone saying that I have been booked into respite at St Dominic's in Fielding but there was a long wait. Maxine also said that there is a script for Loratadine. We hadn’t been home for long when a guy came and dropped off the script. Maxine has also made an appointment for me to go see her on Tuesday the 16^th of August at 1.30pm at the Horowhenua Health Centre so we can fill in the forms for me to go into respite at St Dominic’s. 

Maxine rang again on Friday with two lots of dates for respite. The first one was from the 21^st of September to 26^th September and the second lot was for October sometime but I have taken the September lot just to get it over and done with. While I was on the phone I asked about Mirtazapine but the doctors notes still haven’t been written up and put into my file yet. Maxine said she will try and find out and get back to me later in the day. I didn’t hear back.

I hadn’t taken the Mirtazapine for four days, I am not snapping near as much and I am sleeping a bit more at night now. Seems like I am not responding to Mirtazapine and it is affecting me. Stephen wants me to start taking the Mirtazapine again and if I go back to what I was 4 days ago then we know it is the Mirtazapine that’s affecting my moods and making them worst plus affecting my sleeping.

All this week I felt so fucking tired and lack of energy, doing anything has been an affect. I just wanted to cuddle up somewhere and just sleep for a few days. The last week has been so full on and with me not sleeping a hell a lot plus my moods been all over the place is starting to take its toll.

Since Tuesday the 9^th of august, I have been having several panic attacks and getting upset at all hours of the day and night. I might have to start taking Lorazepam again.

Can I ever win???

I know I have been really slack on keeping my blog up to date. I just haven’t had the energy or moderation to keep it up in the last week and a bit.

On Sunday 31^st of July I decided to bugger off for a walk as I felt I needed some space and my mood wasn’t the best. Stephen was talking to his oldest sister on the phone so I didn’t bother him as he doesn’t talk to her often. As the saying goes blood is thicker than water, so I wasn’t going to cut into his call with Vivienne.

Stephen had tried ringing and texting my phone. And of course I had my cell phone on silent like I do most of the time. He reckons he was getting worried about me. Stephen being Stephen ended up ringing the police on me again. He even rang Kelly twice to see if she had seen me. Kelly told him to just leave me and I come home when I am ready. It was the second call that he told her that he rang the police on me. Kelly did ask him if all the knives were there and he had a look and told Kelly that they were all there.

God knows what time Stephen rang the police. I have no idea how long they took to find me. When they did finally found me, I only had turned up at Kelly’s place a few minutes before. I only had enough time to take off both jerseys and go toilet. I was just coming out of the toilet when Kelly came running down the hallway to tell me the cops were there. The cop asked Kelly how I was, she told the cop, I seem to be ok and I only had been there for a few minutes. Kelly went into the lounge with Nikita while the cop spoke to me out in the kitchen. I also told him that I was fine but no he wouldn’t listen to me.

The cop took me down to the police station for an assessment by the crisis team. I did tell him that I didn’t need the crisis team. But this was not taken note of. Crisis team arrived after about an hour or so. Right up to this point I was calm but as soon as they arrived is when I started getting shitty. They spoke to the cop first and then spoke to me.

I told the crisis team that they didn’t need to be there. I told them that I didn’t need to see them. I also told them that I was fine. They blamed me for everything that has happen in my life. In their words I bought everything that has happen in my life on myself and I have nobody else to blame but me. This got me pretty upset and didn’t help the way I was feeling towards the abuse etc that happen as a child, as I was already blaming myself for that as it was. After they had spoken to me, they then spoke to the cop again.

By the time the cop was ready to bring me home, I was ready to let rip. When I walked into the front door I let ripped at Stephen for ringing the cops on me. The cop tried to get in between me and Stephen I just told him to butt out. The cop told me to just go to bed. I told him to go get fucked. He spoke to Stephen while I was in the kitchen. He then spoke to me. The cop then left.

I started to lay into Stephen again and told him that there was no need to ring the cops on me. Next thing there was this bang on the front door. I knew it was the cops. I open the door and said as it was opening what the fuck you want now. He was going on “I can hear you from the road” and if the neighbours hear you, they will ring the police. I just turned around and said fuck them; it’s none of the neighbours or the police business and fuck off asshole. He then said if we have to come back then you are spending the night in the cells. I just turned and said what fucking ever now there is the door and now fuck off. He finally left.

I went to bed not long after the cop left and stayed in there for the rest of the night and from memory I stayed in bed for most the following day as well. I just didn’t want to face Stephen and the rest of the world. But that evening I did go down to Kelly’s place. I turned and said to Stephen, I am going down to Kelly’s place, so am I allow to head down to Kelly’s place? His reply was ok. He did look shocked to me asking if I am allowed to go. It was so fucking classic to see.

That night I started self harming myself and started cutting my wrists with a knife. I have a few cut marks now. It wasn’t painful doing it and wasn’t painful at any time afterwards. I know once people start self harming, they have problems with stopping. But it doesn’t bother me at all, only two things that can come out of it, 1) I will end up killing myself and 2) it will make me more tolerance to pain.

I have been on Mirtazapine for a week and a half now. Stephen made me to my GP on Thursday 4^th of august. I ended up seeing Dr Alex Herbert, she was completely useless. She seem like she didn’t give a hoot. She just told me to keep taking the meds. Stephen and I are wondering if my body isn’t agreeing with me fully. My moods are getting worst, I am still not sleeping; I am losing weight, having a slight rash on my face, back and arms and have started vomiting. So hopefully when I see Dr Mohamed Abdelhady tomorrow, he will be able to tell us if it is all connected to Mirtazapine.

Stephen is over my mood swings and he is ready to walk. He just doesn’t want to be around me. In his eyes it is ok for me to be there and support him when he is breaking down. I have been there thru thick and thin several times over the last 7 years but he is not willing to be here and support me thru what I am going thru. It is too much one sided. He keeps telling me if we break up, it is my entire fault. It makes me sick to my stomach; he can actually say this shit. I keep thinking to myself I have been here for him fuck know how many times and never left but just this once with me, he is willing to walk. It really feels he doesn’t care for me as much as he says otherwise he would be here no matter what for me. I am beginning to ask myself why I always seem to end up with guys that it ends up being a one way road. It seems with all the guys I’ve been with that it had to be their way or none at all. I am at the point I am sick and tired of being used by males and them treating me like a piece of fucking shit. Maybe god put me on the face of this earth to be used. Maybe taking my life could be the answer at the end of the day to my problems. I am not worth it. Someone like me never will be able to find someone who actually loves me for whom I am. Dreams are free for me to have someone who loves me just as I am.

Another other thing that is getting up my nose is that I get the feeling from both Stephen and Selina that I need to be watched 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I just feel that now my computer is back in the living room, they need to sit there and not take their eyes off me. I am at that stage I am thinking about putting my computer back into the bedroom. Also they seem to talk to me when I am in one of my mood that I don’t feel like listening to anyone moans their heads off. One of many things that piss me off is people just yakking my ear off. I am not one for having long chats with people. I love my peace and quiet and only want to speak to people when I need too. If I could afford to live alone, I have no doubts taking it up. But sadly I have no choice on the money front. L

Wednesday 3^rd August. Tina from Nationwide Health and Disability Advocacy Service has helped me write a letter of complaint about the treatment I am getting form mental health this time round. We are asking for a meeting to have all these issues sorted face to face. Tina said she will come with us to the meeting etc. So we will have the support from her on that side of things from the start to the finish. Tina is great, i would recommend her to anyone who has a complaint about anything within the health system and is living in the Manawatu and Horowhenua area.

On Friday 5^th of august, we had the fire going and only trying to heat up the main areas (lounge, hallway and the bedrooms). I was lying down on the bed watching TV and I needed to take a piss so I got up and noticed the bathroom door was partly open. I said to Stephen close the bathroom door after you come out from the bathroom. HE snapped at me and said I already closed it 5 times already tonight. I was thinking what the fuck. I turned and said I am trying to heat up the main areas and don’t want the heat escaping out the bathroom window. A full on fight followed. I ended up walking out and going down to Kelly’s place for a bit. Stephen rang while I was down there and she just said she hadn’t seen me. She told him not to worry about me, give me some space and I will be home when I am ready. I stayed at Kelly’s for about an hour.

At about 8.30pm I decided to go for a walk and said to Kelly I will be back. She said she wants me to text her every now and again and tell her what street I am and so she knows I am ok. I ended up at Tania’s place and stayed for a cuppa. I left there about 10.30 and walked back to Kelly’s. I stayed there for a while before I headed home. All up I was gone for about four and a half hours and walked a few km’s. I had been home for almost an hour before Stephen clicked that I was home. He came storming into the bedroom and said you are home. My reply to him was FUCK OFF ASSHOLE. I was so fucking shocked that he never rang the police on me which I am glad he didn’t as it would of made me worst. Stephen didn’t even talk to me at all on Saturday. But I didn’t care less for the fact that it was his choice not talk to me.

Over the weekend my moods were up and down, had the whole taking my life thing going. I wanted to take my own life so many times over the weekend that it wasn’t funny at all. I hate being around myself mainly because of how I am feeling and I hate having these mood swings. It is so awful, it like I keep hitting a brick wall.

Today (Monday 8^th of august) Stephen said to me that if nothing is done about my moods and I keep getting worst then it is going to break him and me up. I almost cried when he said this as it made me feel that he wants both of us to break up. And I got the feeling he doesn’t love me anymore. One thing I did notice that as he was said it, he was putting all the blame on me. Maybe I am the blame for everything but there was no need to fucking rub it into me and make me feel worst than I already am. It is like he is trying to play with my head. Stephen also said that all my shit is getting to him. By this stage I was fighting back the tears and somehow I managed to hold the tears in. I am wondering if I really should really put myself aside and let Stephen have his lime light back. It seems like that I am supposed to be strong all the time and not allow my down time. Only way I know how to save what I have left and start bottling everything up again. And just go with the flow.

Stephen said today as well that he going to tell them tomorrow that they need to do something with me. Like put me in respite or admit me to hospital. It seems like he wants to kick me out of the house, maybe I need to think of finding somewhere else to live. At lease Selina will be happy as she will get Stephen (she likes Stephen in that way). But if we do break up, Selina is free to have him. I wouldn’t put it pass those two doing it together. They are so welcome to have each other.

I have my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady at mental health tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it at all. I am thinking of not going. With the way Stephen is acting towards me and not really having the support from elsewhere, I don’t see the point in even thinking of trying. Plus I am scared that Stephen is going to get his way. Kelly might be coming with me as well.

I suppose I better head to bed and try and get some sleep with it now being 3.04 in the morning (best time to have time alone in this house).