I know I have been really slack on keeping my blog up to date. I just haven’t had the energy or moderation to keep it up in the last week and a bit.
On Sunday 31st of July I decided to bugger off for a walk as I felt I needed some space and my mood wasn’t the best. Stephen was talking to his oldest sister on the phone so I didn’t bother him as he doesn’t talk to her often. As the saying goes blood is thicker than water, so I wasn’t going to cut into his call with Vivienne.
Stephen had tried ringing and texting my phone. And of course I had my cell phone on silent like I do most of the time. He reckons he was getting worried about me. Stephen being Stephen ended up ringing the police on me again. He even rang Kelly twice to see if she had seen me. Kelly told him to just leave me and I come home when I am ready. It was the second call that he told her that he rang the police on me. Kelly did ask him if all the knives were there and he had a look and told Kelly that they were all there.
God knows what time Stephen rang the police. I have no idea how long they took to find me. When they did finally found me, I only had turned up at Kelly’s place a few minutes before. I only had enough time to take off both jerseys and go toilet. I was just coming out of the toilet when Kelly came running down the hallway to tell me the cops were there. The cop asked Kelly how I was, she told the cop, I seem to be ok and I only had been there for a few minutes. Kelly went into the lounge with Nikita while the cop spoke to me out in the kitchen. I also told him that I was fine but no he wouldn’t listen to me.
The cop took me down to the police station for an assessment by the crisis team. I did tell him that I didn’t need the crisis team. But this was not taken note of. Crisis team arrived after about an hour or so. Right up to this point I was calm but as soon as they arrived is when I started getting shitty. They spoke to the cop first and then spoke to me.
I told the crisis team that they didn’t need to be there. I told them that I didn’t need to see them. I also told them that I was fine. They blamed me for everything that has happen in my life. In their words I bought everything that has happen in my life on myself and I have nobody else to blame but me. This got me pretty upset and didn’t help the way I was feeling towards the abuse etc that happen as a child, as I was already blaming myself for that as it was. After they had spoken to me, they then spoke to the cop again.
By the time the cop was ready to bring me home, I was ready to let rip. When I walked into the front door I let ripped at Stephen for ringing the cops on me. The cop tried to get in between me and Stephen I just told him to butt out. The cop told me to just go to bed. I told him to go get fucked. He spoke to Stephen while I was in the kitchen. He then spoke to me. The cop then left.
I started to lay into Stephen again and told him that there was no need to ring the cops on me. Next thing there was this bang on the front door. I knew it was the cops. I open the door and said as it was opening what the fuck you want now. He was going on “I can hear you from the road” and if the neighbours hear you, they will ring the police. I just turned around and said fuck them; it’s none of the neighbours or the police business and fuck off asshole. He then said if we have to come back then you are spending the night in the cells. I just turned and said what fucking ever now there is the door and now fuck off. He finally left.
I went to bed not long after the cop left and stayed in there for the rest of the night and from memory I stayed in bed for most the following day as well. I just didn’t want to face Stephen and the rest of the world. But that evening I did go down to Kelly’s place. I turned and said to Stephen, I am going down to Kelly’s place, so am I allow to head down to Kelly’s place? His reply was ok. He did look shocked to me asking if I am allowed to go. It was so fucking classic to see.
That night I started self harming myself and started cutting my wrists with a knife. I have a few cut marks now. It wasn’t painful doing it and wasn’t painful at any time afterwards. I know once people start self harming, they have problems with stopping. But it doesn’t bother me at all, only two things that can come out of it, 1) I will end up killing myself and 2) it will make me more tolerance to pain.
I have been on Mirtazapine for a week and a half now. Stephen made me to my GP on Thursday 4th of august. I ended up seeing Dr Alex Herbert, she was completely useless. She seem like she didn’t give a hoot. She just told me to keep taking the meds. Stephen and I are wondering if my body isn’t agreeing with me fully. My moods are getting worst, I am still not sleeping; I am losing weight, having a slight rash on my face, back and arms and have started vomiting. So hopefully when I see Dr Mohamed Abdelhady tomorrow, he will be able to tell us if it is all connected to Mirtazapine.
Stephen is over my mood swings and he is ready to walk. He just doesn’t want to be around me. In his eyes it is ok for me to be there and support him when he is breaking down. I have been there thru thick and thin several times over the last 7 years but he is not willing to be here and support me thru what I am going thru. It is too much one sided. He keeps telling me if we break up, it is my entire fault. It makes me sick to my stomach; he can actually say this shit. I keep thinking to myself I have been here for him fuck know how many times and never left but just this once with me, he is willing to walk. It really feels he doesn’t care for me as much as he says otherwise he would be here no matter what for me. I am beginning to ask myself why I always seem to end up with guys that it ends up being a one way road. It seems with all the guys I’ve been with that it had to be their way or none at all. I am at the point I am sick and tired of being used by males and them treating me like a piece of fucking shit. Maybe god put me on the face of this earth to be used. Maybe taking my life could be the answer at the end of the day to my problems. I am not worth it. Someone like me never will be able to find someone who actually loves me for whom I am. Dreams are free for me to have someone who loves me just as I am.
Another other thing that is getting up my nose is that I get the feeling from both Stephen and Selina that I need to be watched 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I just feel that now my computer is back in the living room, they need to sit there and not take their eyes off me. I am at that stage I am thinking about putting my computer back into the bedroom. Also they seem to talk to me when I am in one of my mood that I don’t feel like listening to anyone moans their heads off. One of many things that piss me off is people just yakking my ear off. I am not one for having long chats with people. I love my peace and quiet and only want to speak to people when I need too. If I could afford to live alone, I have no doubts taking it up. But sadly I have no choice on the money front. L
Wednesday 3rd August. Tina from Nationwide Health and Disability Advocacy Service has helped me write a letter of complaint about the treatment I am getting form mental health this time round. We are asking for a meeting to have all these issues sorted face to face. Tina said she will come with us to the meeting etc. So we will have the support from her on that side of things from the start to the finish. Tina is great, i would recommend her to anyone who has a complaint about anything within the health system and is living in the Manawatu and Horowhenua area.
On Friday 5th of august, we had the fire going and only trying to heat up the main areas (lounge, hallway and the bedrooms). I was lying down on the bed watching TV and I needed to take a piss so I got up and noticed the bathroom door was partly open. I said to Stephen close the bathroom door after you come out from the bathroom. HE snapped at me and said I already closed it 5 times already tonight. I was thinking what the fuck. I turned and said I am trying to heat up the main areas and don’t want the heat escaping out the bathroom window. A full on fight followed. I ended up walking out and going down to Kelly’s place for a bit. Stephen rang while I was down there and she just said she hadn’t seen me. She told him not to worry about me, give me some space and I will be home when I am ready. I stayed at Kelly’s for about an hour.
At about 8.30pm I decided to go for a walk and said to Kelly I will be back. She said she wants me to text her every now and again and tell her what street I am and so she knows I am ok. I ended up at Tania’s place and stayed for a cuppa. I left there about 10.30 and walked back to Kelly’s. I stayed there for a while before I headed home. All up I was gone for about four and a half hours and walked a few km’s. I had been home for almost an hour before Stephen clicked that I was home. He came storming into the bedroom and said you are home. My reply to him was FUCK OFF ASSHOLE. I was so fucking shocked that he never rang the police on me which I am glad he didn’t as it would of made me worst. Stephen didn’t even talk to me at all on Saturday. But I didn’t care less for the fact that it was his choice not talk to me.
Over the weekend my moods were up and down, had the whole taking my life thing going. I wanted to take my own life so many times over the weekend that it wasn’t funny at all. I hate being around myself mainly because of how I am feeling and I hate having these mood swings. It is so awful, it like I keep hitting a brick wall.
Today (Monday 8th of august) Stephen said to me that if nothing is done about my moods and I keep getting worst then it is going to break him and me up. I almost cried when he said this as it made me feel that he wants both of us to break up. And I got the feeling he doesn’t love me anymore. One thing I did notice that as he was said it, he was putting all the blame on me. Maybe I am the blame for everything but there was no need to fucking rub it into me and make me feel worst than I already am. It is like he is trying to play with my head. Stephen also said that all my shit is getting to him. By this stage I was fighting back the tears and somehow I managed to hold the tears in. I am wondering if I really should really put myself aside and let Stephen have his lime light back. It seems like that I am supposed to be strong all the time and not allow my down time. Only way I know how to save what I have left and start bottling everything up again. And just go with the flow.
Stephen said today as well that he going to tell them tomorrow that they need to do something with me. Like put me in respite or admit me to hospital. It seems like he wants to kick me out of the house, maybe I need to think of finding somewhere else to live. At lease Selina will be happy as she will get Stephen (she likes Stephen in that way). But if we do break up, Selina is free to have him. I wouldn’t put it pass those two doing it together. They are so welcome to have each other.
I have my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady at mental health tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it at all. I am thinking of not going. With the way Stephen is acting towards me and not really having the support from elsewhere, I don’t see the point in even thinking of trying. Plus I am scared that Stephen is going to get his way. Kelly might be coming with me as well.
I suppose I better head to bed and try and get some sleep with it now being 3.04 in the morning (best time to have time alone in this house).
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