In two minds

I saw Maxine today. The appointment with her went fine. We did the forms for St Dominic’s and she is going to fax them off to the person who deals with the respite side of it. She explained a bit about St Dominic’s to me and what I need to take and what is provided. She also said that they will transport me to Feilding and back to Levin again. She spoke to me again about things I enjoy doing and what I can do when I get into a state.

I did attend the appointment on my own, as Kelly nor could Stephen be with me. As Kelly has a sick child at the moment and Stephen had appointment to see his MASH support person Alan. But as it turned out Stephen could had come with me as he was still waiting for his support person to turn up when I walked out to the car to have a smoke after seeing Maxine.

Maxine has made another appointment for me in 2 weeks time to see her again. The appointment is Tuesday the 6^th of September at 9.30am.

All day I had been in two minds about keeping my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady at 2pm. Just as Stephen was dropping me off at the Horowhenua Health Centre I said I won’t go. After my appointment with Maxine I went out to the car to have a smoke. Stephen was still waiting for his support worker from MASH so we sat in the car and talked. I said to him that I wasn’t really sure if I really should go and see Dr Mohamed Abdelhady. In the end I decided to see him so I went in when Stephens support person turned up.

I check in at the main desk and went around to the waiting room. I went to the toilet before sitting down to wait. I waited for about 15 minutes and decided to go. There were two reasons why I didn’t wait. 1) I was shit scared that he would do something like what happen the last time and I was scared that he would play on the fact that I was on my own and being very vulnerable, and 2) I wasn’t prepared to wait any long as I did as my appointment was for 2pm and no later (I am sure I am the most impatient person ever).

I went and sat in the car and waited for Stephen. I didn’t know that he and his support person were sitting in the Mash car in the car park, if I had of known then I would have hurried him up a lot sooner. When he did get into the car, I told him that I changed my mind and just came and sat in the car and waited for him.

I think my main problem yesterday while I was waiting was panic attacks and what happen last time I saw Dr Mohamed Abdelhady played on my mind as well. I really don’t know what to do regarding Dr Mohamed Abdelhady. Part of me doesn’t want to see him again and the other half of me wants to let rip at him over what he said to me. I am finding it so hard to let go what he had said.

Ever since I have been having panic attacks plus a few where I have hyperventilated with the panic attack. The panic attacks where I have hyperventilated with I freaked out as I have never been that bad in the past. It was pretty scary to say at the very lease.

Since the panic attacks started yesterday, I have been feeling more exhausted than normal, and not being able to concentrating on things fully. It has been so over overwhelming in the last 24 hours. Stephen and Kelly really don’t want to know at the moment and now the whole isolating feeling is starting to kick in. It wouldn’t shock me if Kelly and Stephen were feeling shame or embarrassment. I feel so ashamed about having mental health problems. It has been a hard road as a lot of people misunderstand and are so prejudice against people with mental health issues. Wish people would understand that their discrimination can actually do more harm than good.

All day along with the panic attacks, I’ve been having catastrophic thoughts; anxious and feeling like that my depression is a punishment for all my moral failures in my life. But deep down I know that the arising Psychological problems I have are from all the shit and abuse in the past. But knowing that still doesn’t help with what is happening now and how I am feeling. I really don’t want to feel the way I am.

I am at getting to the point of wanting to harm myself, I don’t how but just that feeling is starting to come on. I am acknowledging that I need to seek help but I am ashamed of it and scared that I will be judged. Right now I wish I had the spare money to go buy some alcohol as I feel like getting drunk.

I am still not taking the Mirtazapine. It has been a week today since the last time I took a does. Stephen wants me to start taking them again, but I don’t as I know how they affect me and he is the one that normally on the receiving end. Maybe I need to remind him of this. Hope he clicks on to it sooner or later that Mirtazapine isn’t the right med for me.