A confused mind and body

 I wrote this up on August 24th 2011 and just forgot to Publish it on my blog so since then this had been sitting there and waiting to be publish.

Yesterday I was feeling so upset, couldn’t stop shaking and hated myself for it. I just wanted to spend the whole day crying. I was an emotional wrench. Today I am no better at all. I just can’t stop myself thinking over everything that has happen and I really do feel like that I have nobody to blame but myself.

Had my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady 11am, yesterday morning. He was running half an hour later, I didn’t actually get to see him until ll.30am. I was almost ready to walk out. I told Stephen that if I haven’t seen him by 11.30, then I am walking out. As Stephen knew, we had other stuff to do while we were out and about. Plus we had to be home by 1pm, as Stephen’s support person (Alan) from Mash was coming to see him.

Within 5 minutes into the appointment. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady got me to full out a questionnaire about how I am feeling etc. I wasn’t too happy about this but went along with it just to keep the peace.

 Dr Mohamed Abdelhady has decided to try me on some antidepressant, at the moment I am unsure of the name, as I am waiting on a government number to be faxed thru to Steeds pharmacy. He just said it will take two to three days. I don’t know if I need to ring steeds if they have the number or someone will give me a ring to say that the number has gone thru and I can go get the antidepressant, I wasn’t thinking straight and didn’t even think to ask. I According to mental health these are a new brand on the market. They did say that I will need a government number for them otherwise I will have to pay about $700 for them. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady decided that I am only allowed a week worth of medication at home at any one time. What made him decide this is that I am still a threat to myself. Gees if I was going to top myself on medication, I can get my hands onto Stephens medication and do it that way as I know he has drugs there that I am allergic too. I know with this new one the starting does is 15mg then it goes up to 30mg after a week or so. But because me being so bad with drugs they are starting me on a lower dose of 7.5mg. It will take longer for it to kick in. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady doesn’t want to put me straight onto a higher dose just in case I have an allergic reaction.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady yesterday confused me as he told me the last time I saw him that he wanted me to only take the Quetapel. He then asked me yesterday if I have been taking the Lorazepam. My reply was no. Sitting there thinking to myself man I am not a mind reader nor do I know what the right hand is doing over the left hand. And what he had said to me the Thursday before had gone thru my head as well. I almost turned around and said you told me on Thursday that you said that you only wanted to put me onto one medication at a time and the only thing you said to take was Quetapel. But I didn’t say anything, wish I had now. I have to live with the regret now sadly. Fingers cross I don’t beat myself up to much over it.

I had convulsions from birth until I was just on five, was in and out of hospital with them for most of the first five years of my life. By the time I started school just after I turned 5 I had no more.  Dr Mohamed Abdelhady said he is starting to wonder if I never have completely grown out of convulsions and wondering if I have neurologic abnormalities which my moods are affected as a result, he did say if this is the case, it defiantly won’t be helping the depression what so ever. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady is going to be sending a referral for an EEG to be done.

Right at this point, I don’t really know where I stand with mental health as it seems to me that they keep changing their mind on some stuff. I am really fucking confused with what I am getting told and where I stand with them. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady is still going on about that I need to trust the mental health system. How the fuck am I suppose to trust the system when they keep changing their minds, getting told 2 different things within 24 hours and I keep getting mucked the fuck around. With him keep on saying that you need to trust the system, is starting to put me off. What would make me have more faith in the system is the fact that they pull their fingers out of their asses, stop mucking me around and prove to me that they are willing to change.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady has asked Stephen what my temper has been like lately. Stephen has said that I am snapping even at the littlest things now. Stephen said he feels like that my temper seems to be getting worst as time goes on. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady explained that it will be between no getting enough sleep and the depression getting worst.

The doctor asked about my sleeping, I honesty told him that I am not getting more than three hours a night. I also told him that I had stopped the Quetapel as well because I did get up to 100mg and still not getting a lot of sleep plus I was getting side effects and that was getting too much for me. He still wants me to take them despite the side effects and not being able to operate normally during the day. I am a believer if a drug is stopping you from functioning during the day then it is not worth carry on with or going down to a lower dose. Everyone should be able to feel as normal as they during the day.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady wants me to do this chart thing over the next week. Zero is happy, and hundred being the worst/sad. He wants me to do it at night before I head to bed. I am not planning on doing it as I do not see how this going to help me right at this point. And it does seem really stupid and something I would expect that they would do with a child, and not an adult. I am not lowering myself. He reckons it could make me see how happy I get during the day. Puff my days aren’t full of happiest, it’s full of sadness. I felt like saying HELLO dude, what makes you think that I am happy when I am full of sadness and thoughts that life is not worth living at all.

Deanne (mental health key worker) was in the appointment as well. She said that I have been appointed a key worker Maxine. I met Maxine last week, she was ok but I just didn’t like her that much but I would have been fine with having hr as a key worker. I received a letter in the mail today for an appointment with a Simon Macdonald on Wednesday 3^rd of August 2011 at 2pm. I had no idea what this was so I rang, the lady who I spoke to said he was my key worker. I said I was told yesterday that I have Maxine for a key worker. The reply I got was, maybe they didn’t know he already put his hand to take you on as a client. She also said she will check it out. Nothing about letting me know what is what. I do not want a male key worker. Males cannot be trusted full stop and they are fucking creeps. what this was so I rang, the lady who I spoke to said he was my key worker. I said I was told yesterday that I have Maxine for a key worker. The reply I got was, maybe they didn’t know he already put his hand to take you on as a client. She also said she will check it out. Nothing about letting me know what is what. I do not want a male key worker. Males cannot be trusted fully and they are fucking creeps. I have trust issues also with females but that isn’t as bad as the trust issue with males. I am too scared to say that I do not want a male key worker just in case they that because you are refusing a male key worker, we cannot help you so we going to discharged you from our service. To be honest I am shit scared of males and I am going to get hurt by one again. I am just finding myself at the moment regretting in trying to get help. Especially if I can’t speak up for myself and tell them.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady Wants to see me again in 2 weeks. My next appointment is Tuesday 9^th of August at 3pm. And only Thursday he told me that he wants to check up on me weekly for a while. It has made me feel more confused as he keeps changing his mind all the fucking time. You would have thought he will make a plan with the client and sticking to it and only change the plan when need be, instead of saying one thing one week and then saying something else the following week. I am sure he is a doctor that doesn’t know his own mind or maybe just enjoys messing with his clients heads when they are at their weakest. I don’t like him very much but only putting up with him.

People are coming out with the whole you only doing this for attention seeking buzz. I keep asking myself how. It really hurts that people think like this and not having the support in real life. I am sitting here thinking if people feel this way about me, why the fuck am I sitting here doing this blog and no killing myself. What will it take for people to realise that depression isn’t a joke and it really can mess with people minds and life.

My depression is starting to take its toll in Stephen and my relationship. Stephen isn’t coping too well with the way I am and I don’t want it to pull him down but unfortunately it is. I feel so bad for pulling our relationship down. I just feel at the moment he will be better off without me or my crap at the moment as I can really see it affecting him deeply. It is not good for his mental health. It’s entirely my fault. I don’t know how to fix it, even thou I want to fix it.

I have been in tears for most of the day and have been trying so hard to keep my mind busy but it hasn’t worked. I am at a lost to what I could do to try and get myself to calm down. Cleaning, getting wood sorted and lighting the fire, cuddling the cats, watching TV etc haven’t worked. Maybe a nice long walk in the rain alone might help but if I did, the police might get rang again so I think that is out of the question.

Self hate and thinking of that everything that has happen over the last few months is entirely my fault. Seriously I don’t have no one else to blame for my depression, the crap I went thru as a child and teenager, the crap my GP and mental health has put me thru plus everything else that comes with it. I only have myself to blame. The easy way out looks great right about now. So fucking confused to what to do right now.

St Dominic's - Photos

Bulls - The bulls out at St Dominic's are really friendly. They don't have an issue about walking right up to you. A couple even trying to lick my hands.

This is the old chapel...

This is inside one of the old classrooms

Looking towards the old classrooms... There is 4 classrooms in total.

Looking towards the back of the classrooms.

Feilding town clock... I took this on the thursday I walked into Feilding.

This is the games room which was the school old hall.

This is the front of the homestead.

This is the back of the homestead.

The homestead dining room.

This is the main lounge in the homestead.

Main dining room.....

Respite Bathroom (Ensuite)...

Respite Bedroom....

One of the shetland ponies....

View of the front of St Dominic's lodge...

The view of the back of St Dominic's lodge (Notice the slide coming down from the fire exit).

Sun room upstairs of the homestead.

One of the vans...

Woman's smoking area... No males allow.

Yaxley Centre... This is where they put the people over 65.

This is the oldside of the old school hall.

This is the wash house... It has two washing machines. It is hugh...

The general smoking area...

St Dominics - Day 6

Day 6

I got up about 7.30am and got myself dressed. I Went down stairs and made myself a coffee and went outside for a smoke.

When I went back up stairs, I packed what I haven’t already packed and checked the room to make sure that I hadn’t for gotten anything.

Jo, the staff member gave me some sheets to be able to make the bed upstairs again and asked if I could just strip the bed down stairs in the respite room and put the sheets and pillow cases into the bag that is in the bathroom that is between the first lot of stairs and the second lot of stairs, in which I did.

I vacuumed the room I was in upstairs and made sure it was clean and the windows were open to air it so it was ready for the next person. All Jo would have to do is made sure the room was already for the next person.

I was going to put my dirty washing thru the washing machine and put it into a bag and all I had to do when I got home was to hang it out. But by the time I remembered It was a bit too late to do it as I didn’t know what time I was getting picked up. But it did turn out when I was thinking about it, I did have enough time.

I took all my gear down stairs and put it into the foyer by the front door so all I had to do is carry it out to the car. I had done all this by 9.30am. If I had my way I would of left and soon as I got up.

I made myself another coffee and went out back again for another smoke. While I was outside, I rang Stephen and said that I hadn’t heard from Maxine yet so I wasn’t sure what was going on and I was all ready just in case. As I still hadn’t heard if I was going home today or on Wednesday. I kept hoping it was today. Stephen said that he will ring Maxine to find out what is going on but I said that to leave it to 10.30 and If I haven’t heard then give her a ring.

When I went back inside, Jo asked if I have heard anything from Maxine and I said no so she rang Mental Health in Levin and asked for Maxine. Whoever answered the said she is at a meeting in Palmerston North and then will be coming over to St Dominic’s and picking me up and take me home.

As soon as the fat pig knew I was heading home, she goes good you are going home. I turned and said to her, don’t worry, I am planning to come back at some stage. The look in the big fat pig face was priceless. She then goes Uh oh.  I just smiled at the fucking bitch then walked away. I so enjoyed rubbing it into the big fat pig face, it was actually fun. It was the most enjoyment I had since I arrived on Wednesday. Oh happy memory of rubbing it into her face. It was priceless.

I waited for ages for her to turn up as I just wanted to get home. Maxine rang about 10.30 to say she was on her way and she will be about 20 minutes. She got there finally at 11.10. Jo asked her if she found out about me staying to Wednesday and she said that she tried but the person who does the funding for respite said that they are at the funding limit now so I couldn’t stay any longer. I was actually glad about but I didn’t say anything.

On the way home, found out from Maxine that she did ring late Friday and left a message for me that I will be coming on Monday. She had spoken to the evening staff member which she didn’t past the message on to me nor did she put any notes onto my file. So of course Jo didn’t know anything about it this morning. Neither Maxine nor me was very happy about the message not getting thru to me or it being put onto my file that I was coming on Monday. I am not sure if Maxine is going to say something to them about it.

I got home and Stephen was happy to see me home. Once Fluffy knew I was home, he won’t leave me alone. It was so nice to be home again and being able to enjoy the fact that I was home again and I get to sleep in my own bed.

St Dominics - Day 5

Day 5

I got up about 8.30am. I slept like a baby down stairs in bedroom 1. I didn’t hear a thing; I crashed about 5 minutes after getting into and didn’t hear a thing until I woke up this morning. It surely was true bliss being able to have an awesome sleep like that. I can’t remember when the last time I have an awesome sleep like I did last night. I feel more charged up today.

When I got up, I took the stuff I had in the downstairs bedroom back upstairs into the room I have been in. I went out for a smoke, and made a coffee when I went back in, I took outside with me and had another smoke.

I have spent most of the morning in the room, playing around on the laptop. The only time this morning I left the room was to go toilet, make myself a coffee or go outside for a smoke.

I have been texting Stephen off and on all morning. He doesn’t really seem to really want to talk to me today, don’t know why. Maybe I am over doing it. And most the texts i do get back from him just say ok.

The big fat pig started bitch and moaning at me as soon as she clicked on that I had slept in the bedroom down stairs. I so wanted to knock the fucking bitch out. I am picking she have gotten a bit jealous with me being able to sleep downstairs. The room I was in last night is actually the bedroom for respite. So I don’t know why the hell I was put up stairs for.

I have just been trying to stay away from the big fat pig as much as I can today as I know if I lose my cool with her, she going to cop it from me and I really don’t want to mess things up for me to be able to come back if it is needed.

For lunch today they had seafood soup. I said that I didn’t want anything so I was given ham and cheese on toast for lunch. I said no to the seafood soup because I am not really a seafood eater at all and never have been. I think it is because i never really was bought up on seafood.

After lunch I went out for a smoke and then straight upstairs to my room and played around on the laptop for a bit. I soon got bored with the laptop so I went outside for smoke. Once I had my smoke, I decided to go for a walk around the grounds. The grounds here are massive. But the grounds aren’t very well kept at all. The place would be so much nicer is they did the grounds up a bit and do up the tennis courts, more trees and gardens, and different stuff you can do outside.  They could do a lot to this place. Plus I think that they should also being so kind of an activity for the clients during the day to keep their brains working and free from so much boredom. A lot of them just sit around watching TV and drinking coffee, which isn’t good. They need to be able to do some kind of activity to get them thinking, moving around and mixing with the other clients, instead of sitting in the lounge watching TV and only moving to go to the toilet, meal times, to get a coffee or going to bed.

After going for a walk around the ground, I made myself a coffee and went up to the bedroom to play on the laptop some more.  Also to listen to some music on the laptop just to break the silent in the room and to block out the banging.

I went back out for a smoke just after 5pm and walked up to the fence to talk to the bulls. Three cam close enough but out of arm reach but a forth one came along and came right up to the fence for a pat and he even tried to lick me. It was awesome. It made me think about how much I prefer being around animals more than I do humans. I have more patience with animals and zero patience with humans. It is something about animals that seem to calm me but I can’t really work it out.

Dinner tonight was horrible. We have roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast pumpkin, cauliflower with cheese sauce over the top and peas, and to top it off, it had gravy. The roast chicken was tough as anything, the roast pumpkin and roast potatoes weren’t cooked fully, they were hard as a rock, the cheese on the cauliflower was just like rubber, the peas were the best part of the main meal. But much have to say the desert tonight was the best part of the meal tonight. The jelly and vanilla ice cream was really nice and it was yum. I would of thought with a place like this that the meals would have been a lot nicer than what they really are. It could also be me being fussy about how my meals are cooked. I can’t wait to be able to eat a meal that cooked like it should be, bring it on the day I go home (fingers cross it will be tomorrow and not any longer).

After dinner I went outside for a smoke, as came back in and to go up the stairs, the big fat pig goes so you back upstairs now are you. I turned and said yeah and what has it got to do with you. Then I just carried on up the stairs. I get the feeling that the other woman that staying in the homestead doesn’t actually like her. If they don’t, I don’t blame them at all because of the way the big fat pig carries on.

I am still really home sick. I can’t wait till I leave this place. I am so over it and I just want to get back to my life in the real world. At the moment I kind of feel like a prisoner that I would like to get free of this prison like feeling. If we could have afforded it, I would of get Stephen to come over tonight to get me and take me home.  I just wish I could have gone home sooner than planned. I should have thought about it on Friday and gone home with Stephen and I would most likely have a better sleep than I did here that night.

Most of my stuff is already packed just in case I am going home tomorrow. Just have to have a shower and wash my clothes so they are already to hang out on the line when I get home. I should actually say to the staff that I actually do want to go home tomorrow and I don’t want to stay to Wednesday.

I am hearing it all from Stephen by text message and he is moaning about Selina not helping out with the house work. Now I am stressing out over it now. I feel hopeless and feel guilty that I am not at home to help out with the house work. I am in tears now over the texts I am getting from Stephen. I shouldn’t of come to St Dominic’s and just stayed at home and carry on being the house bitch and clean up after Stephen and Selina. I just feel that Stephen and Selina see me as the house maid and I should run around after them all day and night. I wish I knew of a way to get home tonight. I can’t handle all the shit being placed on me and I can’t do anything about it. Right now I am so guilt ridden because I am not at home sorting out the crap between Selina and Stephen. I just don’t know what to do for the best. All I know is that I am so sick and tired of all the fucking bullshit with other people and it is then put onto me. I am sure that I have enough shit of my own to deal with.

 Am beginning to wonder now that my depression is caused by everyone else putting their crap onto me and I am wondering if I should tell everyone to just fuck off and become a complete loner. And have no social life what so ever. I might be a lot happier that way.

I just remember that I forgot to get my jacket and the books out of the car on Friday when Stephen dropped me back off here again. Oh well with the books it will give me something to read when I get home. And hoping I don’t need my jacket. Fingers cross I don’t get to cold in the mean time.

His afternoon I have been picking at one of the packs of chips, there is still about have a bag full left. They are too oily for my liking.

I went outside for a smoke and I rang Stephen while I was having a smoke. The sun is still out but the breeze is pretty nippy. T is going to be a old night. I might have to put the heater on fairly shortly. Stephen is having a good bitch to me on the phone about Selina. I am so sick of hearing about it all. I am over the crap.

Now my Tony is ripping into me now and he seems to think I shouldn’t have gone into respite. How the fuck was I suppose to know that I wasn’t going to get a lot of sleep and nobody told me anything about the fucking noise. Fuck you Tony. Go take a fucking run and jump and make sure you don’t create an earthquake on the way you fat mother fucker.

I went and had a shower at 7.30pm, amazing enough there was still hot water. The shower was really nice. It didn’t do much in the way of calming me down. I need to try and relax tonight so I can try and get some sleep.

I rang Stephen again after having a shower and he said that he will give my key worker Maxine from mental health a ring in the morning to see if I am coming home. I hope so, because I don’t think I could go any longer without blowing my top at someone. I am just holding on now.

I went to bed just after 10pm. I ended up sleeping up stairs. I just couldn’t be fucked going down stairs. Again I kept getting woken up by the big fat pig. At one point I wanted to get up and yell at her but lucky for her I couldn’t be fucked moving. I just hope she isn’t here the next time I have respite here. Because next time I might not be able to hold myself back from slamming the bitch.

St Dominics - Day 4

Day 4

I got up about 8.30am, rolled myself a smoke and went outside to have it. After that I made myself a coffee and went back outside to have another smoke. My mood still wasn’t the best and all I wanted to do is go home and try and forget about my stay here at St. Dominic’s. I really hate it here now, I haven’t really got to relax nor get much sleep because of the fucking noise. I am over it; at home it is even quieter than what it is here. How do they expect anyone to relax or whatever if there is always noise around.

The fat pig (Tracey) and I keep having words. She will try and tell me what to do and I tell her to go get fucked. Then she would get shitty with me because I wouldn’t do what she wants me to do. Now I try and avoid her because I am at that point that I want to give one hell of a beating.

I am a bit scared of saying something because I am worried about it being held against me. I know that I am isolating myself and more than likely will be held against me. All I can hope that it isn’t.

I washed my washing and was about to hang it out when the staff member that was on in the homestead came out and said that the van was almost ready to leave. So I just left my washing in the bag out by the clothes line under the carport.

I got the 10.30am van into town and went for a look in the warehouse and ended up buying an address book and a pencil case for my colouring in pencils. I then walked over to countdown and got me three 1.5 litres of vanilla coke, two packs of chips and 6 chocolate muffins. All the muffins are now gone, still have the 2 packs of chips and half of the first bottle is gone. So I am not doing to badly. I’ve only have used two 1.5L of coke, 2 packs of chips and 2 bags of chocolate.

When I got back I put my stuff up in the room and went out and hung my washing up under the carport. I really wanted to hang them out on the outside line but sadly it was raining at the time.

For lunch we had bake beans on toast. It tasted yuck, and again I only ate it because I was hungry. The big fat pig started moaning and bitching at lunch time and all I wanted to do to her was kick the shit out of the fucking bitch and tell her she isn’t nothing more than a wide load and a big fat pig who moans and bitches and is worst than a possum stuck in a tree. I can’t believe I just compared her up with a possum, I think a possum is far better that her and that’s putting it nicely.

My mood is a lot lower than it was yesterday. I more than ever want to just walk out of here with all my stuff and find a way to get home, even if it meant me hitch hiking home, I would have done it. I am trying to hold out till Monday and I am hoping I am going home or that was the plan anyway. Fingers cross mental health hasn’t decided to keep me here to Wednesday. If that does happen, I most likely go crazy or insane but I may even go both crazy and insane together.

I spoke to Stephen a couple of times on the phone this afternoon. By the sound of his voice, he is really missing me heaps. I haven’t missed him as one thing; it has been missing home in general.

I just mucked around in my room or outside pretty much of the afternoon. The boredom had kicked well and truly in. Even thou I got stuff with me to do I am just not in the mood to do any of that stuff. The only thing I really did was start playing some music on the laptop and read some of my book that I was hoping to finish while I was here somehow I don’t I get it finish by the time I go home. 

For dinner we had meatloaf, beans, mash potatoes, and sweet potatoes and for dessert we had apple crumble with cream. I wasn’t overly fussed on it, I know I can cook meatloaf better than what we had for tea, it was like eating soft rubber. The apple crumble had no tasted what so ever and I couldn’t even taste the cream.

After dinner, I went outside for a smoke. Once I was finish, I just went up stairs to my room and watched movies on the laptop and played a few games on the laptop as well. It was more trying to take my mind away from feeling under the weather and wanting to go home. I am missing being able to do what I want when I want.

The staff member came up and said that I can go down stairs and sleep in bedroom 1; she took me down and showed the room to me. It is massive compared to the room I am in upstairs. I said yes that I will sleep down there for the night. I took my PJ’s, clean underwear, clean tee shirt, and shower stuff down and used the shower in that room. It was so nice and the water was a lot warmer than the night before.

 It didn’t take me long to go to sleep at all. I didn’t hear a thing. It was bliss being able to have at least one good night sleep while I am here. I remember seeing the first 5 minutes of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and that was it.