St Dominics - Day 3

Day 3

I got up at about 7.30am and I decided that I wasn’t hungry so I just made myself a coffee and just drunk it up in the room.

I spend most of the morning in the room apart from when I made myself a coffee or went out the back for a smoke.

Stephen had an appointment in Palmerston North at 10am so he decided to come over to Feilding to see me. He arrived about 11.30 am and we went into Feilding and got some McDonalds for lunch and went out to a friend’s place. We were there for most of the afternoon. After leaving there, we shot into Palmerston North; Stephen went and did some shopping at Pak ‘N’ Save. Then we went and got a drink from McDonalds. After being there for a bit, we went over to Highbury to see another friend.

After leaving Michaels place, Stephen went and put some more petrol in at Mobil and he then decided to take me back to St Dominic’s. I didn’t really want to come back here at all. I am not enjoying it here and I haven’t managed to be able to fully relax at all plus I was missing home.

I got back just after 6pm and found they never kept me any tea. I was highly pissed off as I told them that I will be back for tea. I went out for a smoke and broke down in tears. I had a hell of a job to get myself back together before I went back inside, I think I had about 2 or 3 smokes in a row to try and help me calm down. I know I was late back but still. The evening staff found some Mac and cheese for me to have. While I was waiting for the food to heat up in the microwave, The Evening staff member goes to me “Are You Ok”, I turned and yes I was fine, just missing home a bit. She turned and said to me if you don’t want to be here, just go home. I was standing there thinking what the fuck, I never said I wanted to go home, and I was trying to work out how she got that out of I am missing home a bit.

After the staff member said what she said to me, I rang Stephen up in tears and told him I wish I went home with him. I have defiantly notice that it has just as stressful being here at St. Dominic’s than what it is at home. At the end of the day, I was better off staying at home as still being under the same amount of stress than what I have had here. I am really disappointed how it has all worked out for me. I know it be more than likely me that is to blame how things have turned out. I am very disappointed in myself for it and I don’t blame them if they don’t want me back. I have bought all the stress on myself. I am an adult and I should know better.

I had a shower at about 9.30pm. The hot water was near enough to cold. I was only in the shower for a couple of minutes when the water went stone cold. I was not impressed at all. I love to have my showers hot. Even the two nights before tonight was a lot warmer than what it was tonight.

In the end I ended up going to bed. The banging, slamming, moaning etc was happening for most of the night. I didn’t get much sleep again because of all the noises the other woman were doing. But I worked out that this Tracey was the worst over all with making the most fucking noise. I just wanted to smack her head in. Oh I dislike the bitch, everything has to be all about her and she packs a shit if she doesn’t get her own way. I say shoot the bitch and feed her to the sharks out at sea. But here again the sharks most likely spit her out and I wouldn’t blame them.

St Dominics - Day 2

Day 2

I got up at 7am. Mucked around in my room for a bit then went down stairs and got some breakfast. I had 2 weetbix and a coffee.

I did my washing first thing and hang it out onto the line at about 8am. After that I mucked around outside for a bit and even seen the bulls which tried to lick my hand. That surely put a wee smile on my face.

Since getting up, my mood had been a bit low so I decided to walk into Feilding for a while. I left at about 9.30am. It took me about 25 minutes to walk it and that was my normal muck around walk. I walked around the shops for a bit as I was trying to find subway. I then went over to warehouse and had a nosey then went into countdown to get a drink and a couple bags of chips to bring back to St Dominic’s so I have something to pick out on. While at the checkout I asked the girl where subway was and she told me. I then went to subways and a 6 inch sub of the day (Roast beef). Once I did that I started to walk back to St. Dominic’s.

For lunch we had scrabble eggs on toast and a piece of bacon along with half a piece of toast on its own.  I wasn’t overly fussed on it. The eggs were tasteless and the bacon was just like rubber.

For most of the afternoon I spent it in the room. My mood was still low and I started to feel home sick. But I really want to face up to it and stick it out here. I think being here has made me really think about things and how can I cope. It hard going but I need to dig deep and deal with this depression.

For dinner we had fish, coleslaw, beetroot, 2 tiny like pieces of tomatoes, and about 6 wedges. The wedges were soggy; coleslaw looked just like sick and beetroot tasted a bit funny. I am starting to realise that I am more of a fussy eater that I thought.

I rung Stephen about 8pm and spoke to him on the phone for ages. He even put the phone on speaker so I could talk to the cats. Both Missy and Tootsie could hear my voice and Stephen was saying that they were sitting there looking around to see if they can see me. The only cat that wasn’t around at the time was my baby Fluffy. I am actually missing the whole 3 cats, can’t wait to get home and give them a big cuddle.

I went and had a shower just after 9pm and the water hitting my back was so nice and helps to ease the pain in my back. As a female you really got to hate it when it’s that time of the month.

Again in the evening I spend most of the night in the room. I just didn’t want to face anyone. I was still feeling a wee bit home sick.

I hopped into bed about 10pm but again I didn’t get much sleep because of bang thump etc coming from the other woman in the home stead. The noise went on for most of the night so I didn’t get much sleep at all. I think I just dozed off and on. Wish I could just get one good night sleep in this place. The lack of sleep is starting to do my head in bed time, finger cross it can get better from here on out.

St Dominics - Day 1

Day 1

I arrived at St Dominic’s at about 10.30am. I have been put up stairs in bedroom 8. It isn’t too bad of a room. Has a sink, a tall boy draws, a bed side cabinet, a cane chair, a heater and a king single bed.

I hadn’t even been here for an hour when I started to get bored. Even thou I got things with me to keep my mind busy. But at that point I wasn’t in the mood to do any of the stuff that I had with me.

Before lunch I stayed in the room unless I went out the back for a smoke. I just mucked around on the laptop. At about a bout 11.50am I went down to the lounge and waited for lunch at noon.

For lunch we had some type of soup with toast. It was out right nasty. It tasted horrible. I only ate it because I was hungry and I didn’t want to be rude.

In the afternoon while outside having a smoke, I wondered around some of the grounds. What I saw at this point of time, there wasn’t anything special about the place. Right up to arriving here today, a lot of people going on how nice the grounds were and it has heaps of fruit trees etc. Yeah right, the only fruit trees I have seen so far are 2 lemon trees out by the door into the chapel.

When I wasn’t outside having a smoke, I was up in my room reading or watching a movie on the laptop. I almost nodded off twice. But I haven’t managed to totally relax yet.

Just before I went to dinner, I went to the toilet and to find my period has arrived. Oh joys my period is the last thing that I want right now and it explains why I haven’t managed to relax completely.

Dinner wasn’t too bad at all, was heaps better than what lunch was. We had steak stew, pumpkin, potatoes, carrots, and peas. Dessert was a pot of yoghurt, wasn’t overly fuss on the yoghurt side of things.

After dinner, I spent most of the time in the room apart from going out for a smoke. At this point I was feeling really home sick. But I haven’t said anything to anyone. I am trying to battle it out. But I think what is making it worst that I could be here to Wednesday instead of Monday like it was planned.

I went and had a shower about 6pm. The water was almost cold, but the water presser was so nice. It actually felt really nice on my sore back.

After having my shower I rung Stephen. I talked to him for a bit. By the sound of his voice, he sounded like he was missing me. I asked him if he was missing me yet and he said no. Ha the sound of his voice gave him away. I didn’t tell him that I was home sick.

Up and away

I have had 3 appointments with Maxine since I lasted blogged.  Tuesday 6^th of September, Tuesday 13^th of September and Tuesday 20^th September.

Everything seems to be going good with Maxine. So far I haven’t had any complaints with her, which is pretty good, Which is pretty amazing, as I have put in a complaint in general over the way the mental health team here in Levin has treated me.

Maxine has been working with me to find Self Help Strategies that will work for me when I have panic attacks. I haven’t found one yet that works for me all the time yet.

I see Maxine again on Tuesday 4^th of October at the Horowheanua Health Centre at 2pm.

I have managed to read Surviving and Moving On: For Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Kim McGregor. It is a big read and it took me a month to read it. But it has a lot of Self Help Strategies. I have written down a few of them and going to try them out to see if they will work for me. It is a worth a try the way I see it.

 

I am now on 150mg of Amitripyline. I seem to be responding to Amitripyline really well. I seen Dr Keri Ratima yesterday (Thursday 29^th of September) she is happy with the way I am responding to them and commented how much better I look now. She asked if I have noticed the changed within myself, which I have, as I seem to be having more up day than down days now. Dr Keri Ratima said that I am going to be on Amitripyline for at least 2 years. If I have any say in the matter I defiantly won’t be on them for that long.

 

I have been to respite at St Dominic’s in Feilding. I didn’t have a very good time or didn’t get to relax much at all. I will post the dairy type thing I did each day while I was there. And most likely will put up some photos of St Dominic onto my blog as well. But I missed home heaps and by the Sunday night I was all ready to head home.

 

I finally got my way with mental health and got changed over to the female mental health doctor about a month ago. But I am still waiting for appointment to see her.

 

I have made a complaint about the service I have been getting with mental health. I did the complaint thru Tina Auckram at the Palmerston North office of Nationwide Health and Disability Advocacy Service. Mid central have received the complaint and now it is a waiting game to hear back from them about the complaint and see if they are prepared to have a meeting to discussed my complaint. I just hope it isn’t dragged out like it way the last time I put a complaint in so fingers cross for that.

 

I am still not sleeping very well at night. Not sure what to do about it to be honest. And my panic attacks are still happening but not as bad as it was about a month ago. So the panic attacks are starting to become less now so hopefully it is becoming less and less over time. All I can do is keep my fingers cross that the panic attacks will disappear with a bit of time.

 

Things in general have been fairly good since I have last blogged. I feel I am coping with the depression a lot better now. I haven’t been in a police cell for some time now, which is a plus for me and less stressful on everyone else involved. Things on the hole are improving but still a long way to go yet.

Fighting the battle

I went to my appointment with Dr Keri Ratima yesterday (Thursday 1^st of September at 12.20pm). She is happy with how well I am going with being on Amitriptyline.

Dr Keri Ratima comment how much better I am looking than I was a week ago. She said even me being sick for the last week, I still look much better. She even was please that I let out a couple little smiles.

She is happy that there has been process with me being on a low dose of Amitriptyline. She has decided now that it is about the right time to put me up to the next level of dose. Now instead of being on 75mg a day, I am now on 125mg for two weeks, then once those two weeks are up, I then go up to 150mg for two weeks, she then wants to see again to see how I am processing on Amitriptyline.

She spoke about some relaxation stuff that I could do. Also spoke about a couple of things that I can also look into visualisations and affirmations which may help me with my road to healing, dealing and coping with being sexual abused as a child. One affirmations idea she came up with is to look in the mirror, looking into my eyes and say I love you out loud and do this twice a day. Dr Keri Ratima spoke about two books; the first one is called the courage to heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. It is about sexual abuse, she suggested to only reading parts of it that I am ready to read. The second book is healing the hungry self by Deidre Price. The reason she suggested this book is that at the back of the book and has a part about visualisation in it which can also be used to help with dealing with sexual abuse and depression.

Dr Keri Ratima rang mental health here in Levin again and finally got to speak to Maxine. Maxine told her that she just found out that it has to be in writing and it goes to the doctor and he decides if he will let me change over to the other doc. Dr Keri Ratima asked Maxine what their complaint procedures was. Dr Keri Ratima didn’t say anything to me about the complaint part and I never asked. But I am beginning to wonder if she is going to be putting a complaint in herself as well.

Dr Keri Ratima wants to see me again in a month so I have made another appointment to see her on Thursday the 29^th of September at 2pm.

In the last year the only person who really stopped and showed full interest in my depression is Dr Keri Ratima. It is hard to believe that it has taken a year to get to where I am now. It has surely been a long and hard journey, not just for me but those people who are part of my life. Times like now I just wish I had friends and family who were able to be there and support me 100% but sadly I don’t have that type of network. My family doesn’t want to know me and my friends have their own life to live without having to put their own life on hold just for me. And right up to now, I just felt like I am one of those people who ends up slipping thru the cracks.

When Stephen and I got back into Levin, Stephen went and seen Mark at the Labour party rooms and explain to him what has been happening. Mark also got onto Mental Health. Mark then rang today (Friday) to say he has spoken to them and I have been transfer over to the female doctor at Mental Health and I should be receiving a letter in the next few days to inform me of this.

All day my mood has been pretty low. Suicidal feeling kept popping up all the time, after a while that suicidal feeling was distressing me a lot. All I know is that I don’t want to feel this way. I hate it and I want to feel normal again like a real person. I see Maxine on Tuesday at 9.30am so I am trying to hold out to then and I might talk to her about it but it all depends on how I am feeling at the time.

The last few hours I have been thinking about how I have been coping, how I have been feeling and heaps of thoughts ran thru my head. I ended up jotting them all down on a bit of paper.

These entire things I jotted down I will list them and at least at some stage I know I can go back to it and see how things were then and prepare it up to how things are at that time. And it will be good for me I think to be able to see how I am going with my journey with depression.  

• ·         I hid my battle with depression from most people in an attempt to the stigma attached to this darkness I am in. I think it is about time I face up to these demons and not to be scared to let people know about me having depression.
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• ·         It really seems to be a lonely journey fighting the darkness of depression.
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• ·         My journey through depression and anxiety has been for a year now but I can’t find that place to be able to be of acceptance and be able to understand what is really happening to me.  
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• ·         I have this fear of being found out who I really am and what people might think of me.
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• ·         My own struggle with depression and anxiety has embraced my life to what it is today.
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• ·         My depression must be hard on everyone around me with the literal ups and downs of the impact that depression has had.
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• ·         Depression is defiantly ruining my life.
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• ·         Confusion has erased many happy memories from my mind. Disturbance dictated my life and the sweat starts to smear on my palms.
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• ·         As I slip deeper and deeper into depression, my friendships have started to suffer and my relationships with Stephen have also started to suffer.
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• ·         I see depression as a sigh of weakness.
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• ·         The challenges I have faced so far with depression have been hard and tough going and have tested me in every which way possible.
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• ·         As soon as my confidence starts to grow, something else happens and it feels like the walls around me will start crashing down on me again.
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• ·         I start calling upon the darkness to speed up and leave me, but I seem to just breeze through this dark rough patch and with no sign of the light at the other end.
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• ·         My suffering, self doubt and extremes of self loathing along with such insecurity are also wrecking my relationships with people.
• ·         My mind and life is in such turmoil at the present.

I often wonder how my life is going to be at the end of it all. But will I give up the fight completely and end it all or what. If I could I want to get off this ride and ride the path of where life is a lot easier than what it is now.

I am finding it hard to hold onto life when I really haven’t got anything to hold on too to get my thru this. It’s a lot harder than it seems that’s for sure.

Making head way

On the 25^th of August Stephen made me go to my GP as I had over 100 panic attacks in less than 48 hours. He tried ringing and left a message on the nurses answer phone. When we got into Palmerston North, we went around to Stephens’s dads place and Stephen tried ringing again. We hadn’t heard anything by 2.15pm so we headed over to Best Care in Maxwell’s Line.

Stephen went in and asked if they had any appointments with the doctor left. They had one for 2.40pm so he took that one. We sat in the car and talked until it was time to go in. He wasn’t sure what doctor I was seeing. But I was cool with who ever, I was pretty much past giving a fuck at that time.

I stuck a Dr Keri Ratima who was to my surprise was actually pretty awesome and easy going. She is an older Maori woman and very well spoken. I actually like her and liked the way she was willing to help.

 Stephen and I told her what had been happening and she actually took note. She asked questions, I answered honesty.

We also told her that I was on Mirtazapine but haven’t taken it for about a week at that stage. Stephen told her how it was affecting my moods etc and I have been so much calmer without it and that we had tried to tell Dr Mohamed Abdelhady but he seemed not to listen about the effects it was having on me.

Dr Keri Ratima agreed that it was the right med for me and we decided to give Amitriptyline a try. She started me on 75mg. She said that she wanted to see me again in a week time and it had to be on a Thursday as she is only at Best Care on a Thursday.

She tried to ring Maxine from mental health and got the answer phone. So she left a message for Maxine to get hold of me to let me know how to change doctors with them. And also to give her a ring and she was only available on Thursdays at Best care. Dr Keri Ratima said that on their answer phone said that they had training that day.

Dr Keri Ratima also did a Green Prescription for 15 minutes, light walking for 7 days a week and the medical condition she put it under depression/anxiety. I hadn’t managed to really do this all week as by Friday morning I had come down sick.

Dr Keri Ratima also did this depression test thing that helps GP’s to know how serious the depression is in someone and what medications would suit. My one came back as to having serious depression. She asked me how I was feeling at the time, I told her and she was a bit worried as I was at the border line of being suicidal. She said to me that if I found myself making a plan of harming myself, I need to ring crisis team before it gets to the point that I do end up harming myself.

Being sick all week and being on Amitriptyline, I slept heaps. Sleep had come really easy which in a lot of ways is good as it was giving my body time to heal from being sick physically and mentally.

I made another appointment with Dr Keri Ratima for Thursday 1^st of September 2011 at 12.20pm.

Stephen has noticed the big different in me in general. He said that since I have been off Mirtazapine and he said that he is sure that the Amitriptyline is kicking in as I have been that little calmer since I’ve been on it and I don’t seem to be down as bad as I have leading up to being put onto Amitriptyline.

On Wednesday the 31^st of August I hadn’t heard from Maxine so I rang Mental Health. She wasn’t in the office so I left her a message to ring me back. When Maxine rang back, I asked her how do I get on with changing doctors and she got really bitchy with me. Maxine said that I really can’t change doctors even after me telling her what happen. She also said that if the change did happen it was up to the doctor I was under. But she did say that she will talk to the doctors in the morning.

Stephen notices the shift in my mood after speaking to Maxine. My mood had gone a lot lower than it was just before Maxine rang. Honesty dealing with mental health has been so stressful. I don’t know what is worst, depression or dealing with mental health. I felt like I was stuck in between a hard place and a rock and not knowing where to turn from here. I am so sick of the way mental health is treating me. It is going to get to the point where I am just going to really snap and the Horowhenua Mental Health Team is going to cop it all from me. It is only going to be a matter of time when and where it is going to happen. And what the outcome of it all is.

In the last week my moods have been better, I wouldn’t say my moods have been the best but has been better than it has been for a few weeks. I still am down but not as bad if that makes sense. But I have a long way to go but time is the key I think.

Part from Maxine pissing me off with what she said, the only other thing that has got under my skin this week was that the hospital cancels an appointment with the Gynaecology clinic on Tuesday morning. I had an appointment for Tuesday the 30^th of august at 11am. The only reason they gave me was that the doctor decided that he didn’t want to drive down to the Horowhenua Health Centre from Palmerston North. But another appointment has been made for the 6^th of September 2011 at 1pm. I will be so fucked off with Mid Central Health if this one get cancel on me.

In two minds

I saw Maxine today. The appointment with her went fine. We did the forms for St Dominic’s and she is going to fax them off to the person who deals with the respite side of it. She explained a bit about St Dominic’s to me and what I need to take and what is provided. She also said that they will transport me to Feilding and back to Levin again. She spoke to me again about things I enjoy doing and what I can do when I get into a state.

I did attend the appointment on my own, as Kelly nor could Stephen be with me. As Kelly has a sick child at the moment and Stephen had appointment to see his MASH support person Alan. But as it turned out Stephen could had come with me as he was still waiting for his support person to turn up when I walked out to the car to have a smoke after seeing Maxine.

Maxine has made another appointment for me in 2 weeks time to see her again. The appointment is Tuesday the 6^th of September at 9.30am.

All day I had been in two minds about keeping my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady at 2pm. Just as Stephen was dropping me off at the Horowhenua Health Centre I said I won’t go. After my appointment with Maxine I went out to the car to have a smoke. Stephen was still waiting for his support worker from MASH so we sat in the car and talked. I said to him that I wasn’t really sure if I really should go and see Dr Mohamed Abdelhady. In the end I decided to see him so I went in when Stephens support person turned up.

I check in at the main desk and went around to the waiting room. I went to the toilet before sitting down to wait. I waited for about 15 minutes and decided to go. There were two reasons why I didn’t wait. 1) I was shit scared that he would do something like what happen the last time and I was scared that he would play on the fact that I was on my own and being very vulnerable, and 2) I wasn’t prepared to wait any long as I did as my appointment was for 2pm and no later (I am sure I am the most impatient person ever).

I went and sat in the car and waited for Stephen. I didn’t know that he and his support person were sitting in the Mash car in the car park, if I had of known then I would have hurried him up a lot sooner. When he did get into the car, I told him that I changed my mind and just came and sat in the car and waited for him.

I think my main problem yesterday while I was waiting was panic attacks and what happen last time I saw Dr Mohamed Abdelhady played on my mind as well. I really don’t know what to do regarding Dr Mohamed Abdelhady. Part of me doesn’t want to see him again and the other half of me wants to let rip at him over what he said to me. I am finding it so hard to let go what he had said.

Ever since I have been having panic attacks plus a few where I have hyperventilated with the panic attack. The panic attacks where I have hyperventilated with I freaked out as I have never been that bad in the past. It was pretty scary to say at the very lease.

Since the panic attacks started yesterday, I have been feeling more exhausted than normal, and not being able to concentrating on things fully. It has been so over overwhelming in the last 24 hours. Stephen and Kelly really don’t want to know at the moment and now the whole isolating feeling is starting to kick in. It wouldn’t shock me if Kelly and Stephen were feeling shame or embarrassment. I feel so ashamed about having mental health problems. It has been a hard road as a lot of people misunderstand and are so prejudice against people with mental health issues. Wish people would understand that their discrimination can actually do more harm than good.

All day along with the panic attacks, I’ve been having catastrophic thoughts; anxious and feeling like that my depression is a punishment for all my moral failures in my life. But deep down I know that the arising Psychological problems I have are from all the shit and abuse in the past. But knowing that still doesn’t help with what is happening now and how I am feeling. I really don’t want to feel the way I am.

I am at getting to the point of wanting to harm myself, I don’t how but just that feeling is starting to come on. I am acknowledging that I need to seek help but I am ashamed of it and scared that I will be judged. Right now I wish I had the spare money to go buy some alcohol as I feel like getting drunk.

I am still not taking the Mirtazapine. It has been a week today since the last time I took a does. Stephen wants me to start taking them again, but I don’t as I know how they affect me and he is the one that normally on the receiving end. Maybe I need to remind him of this. Hope he clicks on to it sooner or later that Mirtazapine isn’t the right med for me.