What is the point?

Tina from Health and disability advocacy tried ringing late yesterday afternoon and left a message on our answer phone. I didn’t get the message till we got home and by that time it was far too late as it was almost 6pm when both Stephen I got home from being in Palmerston North for most of the day as we went over and bought a load of stuff back for a friend who is moving in here. I was thinking that we should have gone into the office while we were in Palmerston North. I will try and get hold of her on Monday.

I got a reply to my complaint against mental health yesterday. According to them it is normal for them to tell their clients to carry on with antidepressants that they are having an allergic reaction too. And also they are saying that they have done no wrong what so ever and pretty much said they were not in the wrong. Why the fuck can’t they take responsibly for their fuck ups.

I will be ring mental health on Monday and telling them to fuck it all. I no longer want to deal with the mother fuckers. I do not want to deal with mid central health at all now, as I have had enough. I must prefer to die than deal with the cunts. I’ve completely lost my faith in the health system.

I still have not received an appointment to see the female doctor at mental health. It just tells me that they do not want to deal with me. Why is it so hard to get some form of help? Do I have to kill myself before they wake up to themselves.

I made up my mind last night that I am no longer going to help myself and I have completely stopped taking the antidepressant. There is no point of me carrying on taking them.

Since receiving the letter from mental health yesterday my mood has been at it lowers in a long time. I just feel I just can’t carry on fighting the system as the fighting that I have done so far has got me nowhere at all. I just can’t do it anymore. How the hell am I suppose to carry on when I keep getting rejected when I seek the help.

I am sitting here with tears running down my face while I am writing this. I just can’t get pass the hurt feeling that has pretty much taken over my feelings since late yesterday. I have been trying to keep my mind busy all day by doing house work and playing on the computer but it hasn’t work. As the time goes on, the more upset and angry I become.

I just wish mental health would pull their heads out of their asses and see the damage they are doing to their clients and the damage they are doing to the service as the general public is becoming more aware of the crap that is going on within the service. Overall the health boards need to step in and sort out the crap within the mental health teams before the shit hits the fan.

Stephen rang his sister Alison today and Stephen was saying after he got off the phone that he is going to tell Tina from Health and disability advocacy that he want this complaint taken to the next step and He also said he feels like going to someone like Campbell Live and speak out against mental health.

My friend Linda who is moving in Thursday 20^th of October is horrified with the entire treat I have gotten from the cunts. I have known Linda for 21 years and she said yesterday that this is the worst she has ever seen me.

I have become suicidal again. I want to end it all. Yep I want to choose the coward way out. I am a coward and feel I be better off being out of everyone way. At least they won’t have to put up with me and my shit. I only have myself to blame.

I bought everything on, everything is my fault. It is my fault that I witness my father beat the crap out of my mother as a young child, it is my fault for my parents breaking up when I was five, it is my fault my mother wouldn’t let me see any of my father’s family when I was growing up, it’s my fault my mother’s partner at the time physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally abuse me, it’s my fault I ended up under CYPS, it’s my fault I was a terror and a runner away while in the care of CYPS, it is my fault I was physically abuse by one foster family, and it was all my fault I was left to take care of myself at the age of 11 for 24 hours, 7 days a week in another foster home cause they couldn’t be fucked with me, it is my fault that I was made to go hungry days on end in another foster home, it’s my fault CYPS decided to give me back to my mother and discharge me from CYPS at the age of 16, it’s my fault my mother telling me just after I was discharged from CYPS that she never wanted me, it is my fault she kick me out at the age of 16 because she didn’t want me, it is my fault I was living on the streets because my mum didn’t want me, it was my fault the guy I was going out with at the age of 16 was cheating on me, physically beating me and controlling me. It was my fault that the next guy I go out with was cheating, kept choking me because he wanted to kill me, controlling me and taking all my money, then the guy I was going out with before Stephen was controlling, cheating (Tony I know you where so you can stop bullshitting about that), and just gave me shit for whatever he could. It is also my fault for all the shit that has happen in my family, it’s my fault that my family are screwed up. It is my fault that my family doesn’t want to know me. It is also my fault any other shit that has happen in my life. This shows that I am better off being dead. I am not worth wasting the space that could be used for someone who is worthy of the space.

I have a plan building up in my head how I want to end it. It be using a knife or taking an overdose. I am getting closer and closer to actually doing it. I am just going deeper and deeper into this black hole. I have no way of getting out and no one is willing to give me the support I need. The more I think about ending my life, the more I like that idea. I die my pain will go and the stress I am putting on everyone else would go away.

I know I don’t mean anything to anyone. It is hard but I have to live with it but I have to live with it. People these days don’t want to know me unless they want to use me for something. I barely have any support at all. Stephen is over it all. Kelly doesn’t want to know. Nicola barely speaks to me these days. Linda I think is in two minds at the moment. Tony only wants to know me if it is for his benefit. Selina well if it isn’t all about her, she doesn’t give a fuck (to her the world should be focus just on her). That is pretty much the circle I have left. All my other friends gave up on me long time ago.

I wish I knew how to stop these tears. For the last 6 hours, I have spent at least 90% of it crying. Stephen doesn’t even care. He has just carried on doing his thing and not giving a fuck. At lease I know he has given up on the way I have been acting. I don’t blame him as I have put him thru shit in the last year or so. I am not worth the time or energy from anyone now. I am just a lost cause.

As I go on with this the more I am breaking, the more I am hurting, the more I am crying, the more I want to end it, the more I am regretting seeking help, the more I wish I wasn’t the blame for everything that has happen in my 29 years on this planet.

Everyone who reads this most likely tell that my mind is not all there and my head isn’t in the right head space.

ENT admitted they fucked up.

I received a reply to a complaint against Ear, Nose and Throat clinic. They pretty much admitted they fucked up. First time I have ever received a letter admitting they screwed up. I am still amazed that I received something like that from Mid Central Health.

It is nice I have received something like this as it shows that they want to improve the service they provide. Wish all Mid Central Health departments want to take on board their complaints and use it to improve the service they provide, but somehow I don’t think that will ever happen anytime soon (a lot of people will agree with me on this one).

I have uploaded up a scan copy of the letter.

Starting to crash

I had an appointment with Maxine on Monday 3^rd of October. I turned up to find she was on duty and I wasn’t supposed to have an appointment with her.  I turned and said that the appointment card I’ve got at home states my appointment is for Monday 3^rd of October at2.30. I was so fucking pissed off that mental health has fucked up once again.

Maxine rang on the Tuesday and made another appointment for me on Friday 7^th of October at 11.30am.

I attended the appointment with Maxine. Stephen was with me. She never apologized for the appointment that she made for the Monday. She asked again about respite at St Dominic’s. She is going to see if she can book me in again for about 4 – 5 days and she is going to put a request in that I am put into the room down stairs.  We went over the self help techniques again.

Maxine then made me another appointment for Friday 21^st of October at 11.30am. She then gave me another appointment card.

Since Monday the 3^rd I have been trying to get hold of Tina from Health and disability advocacy and still haven’t got hold of her. It is now Thursday 13^th of October. It is kind of annoying that it has been over a week now and I haven’t manage to get hold of her nor have I heard back from her. All I can do really is to keep trying.

For the last 3 -4 days my moods have been really low. I just feel that I am starting to crash again. I just wanted to cry and I am having trouble with coping how I feel at the moment. My temper is starting to get the better of me again. I have been so snappy and Stephen can hardly talk to me without me wanting to rip his head of his shoulders. What is getting to me the most is that I started to do well and slowly coming right. I am so pissed with myself that everything is coming undone again. I wouldn’t blame Stephen if he doesn’t want to be around me at all. Always seem that I pull everyone around me down with me. It isn’t fair on anyone else now is it?

I just can’t work out why my life is so shit and I just can’t be happy.  Life hates me and a lot of people hate me for whom I am. I have hardly any friend leave and a couple are in the process of ditching me as a friend, I really don’t blame them with the carry on I have had in the past few weeks.

I feel like I am in between a hard place and a rock. I have no idea what to do to try and help myself get out of this black hole. Every day is like living in a horrible nightmare that never ends. This nightmare I am living in is ruining my life and I losing my friends due to it. It is also ruining my relationship with Stephen. I might as well become a loner and cut everyone out of my life, at lease that way I won’t be hurting anyone with my bullshit.

I am getting to the point that I just want to end this nightmare and end my life. I don’t think I can take much more of this physical, emotional and mental pain I am going thru. It is becoming a burden to carry this weight on my shoulders all the time. I really can’t wait to all this burden is gone. I really can’t wait till I am all healed again. 

I’ve just tried to ring Tina from Health and disability advocacy again and she is working outside of the office today so I have left a message for her to give me a ring. So fingers cross that I will hear from her in the next couple of days. If I don’t hear by Friday lunch time, I will try and get hold of her again.

A confused mind and body

 I wrote this up on August 24th 2011 and just forgot to Publish it on my blog so since then this had been sitting there and waiting to be publish.

Yesterday I was feeling so upset, couldn’t stop shaking and hated myself for it. I just wanted to spend the whole day crying. I was an emotional wrench. Today I am no better at all. I just can’t stop myself thinking over everything that has happen and I really do feel like that I have nobody to blame but myself.

Had my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady 11am, yesterday morning. He was running half an hour later, I didn’t actually get to see him until ll.30am. I was almost ready to walk out. I told Stephen that if I haven’t seen him by 11.30, then I am walking out. As Stephen knew, we had other stuff to do while we were out and about. Plus we had to be home by 1pm, as Stephen’s support person (Alan) from Mash was coming to see him.

Within 5 minutes into the appointment. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady got me to full out a questionnaire about how I am feeling etc. I wasn’t too happy about this but went along with it just to keep the peace.

 Dr Mohamed Abdelhady has decided to try me on some antidepressant, at the moment I am unsure of the name, as I am waiting on a government number to be faxed thru to Steeds pharmacy. He just said it will take two to three days. I don’t know if I need to ring steeds if they have the number or someone will give me a ring to say that the number has gone thru and I can go get the antidepressant, I wasn’t thinking straight and didn’t even think to ask. I According to mental health these are a new brand on the market. They did say that I will need a government number for them otherwise I will have to pay about $700 for them. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady decided that I am only allowed a week worth of medication at home at any one time. What made him decide this is that I am still a threat to myself. Gees if I was going to top myself on medication, I can get my hands onto Stephens medication and do it that way as I know he has drugs there that I am allergic too. I know with this new one the starting does is 15mg then it goes up to 30mg after a week or so. But because me being so bad with drugs they are starting me on a lower dose of 7.5mg. It will take longer for it to kick in. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady doesn’t want to put me straight onto a higher dose just in case I have an allergic reaction.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady yesterday confused me as he told me the last time I saw him that he wanted me to only take the Quetapel. He then asked me yesterday if I have been taking the Lorazepam. My reply was no. Sitting there thinking to myself man I am not a mind reader nor do I know what the right hand is doing over the left hand. And what he had said to me the Thursday before had gone thru my head as well. I almost turned around and said you told me on Thursday that you said that you only wanted to put me onto one medication at a time and the only thing you said to take was Quetapel. But I didn’t say anything, wish I had now. I have to live with the regret now sadly. Fingers cross I don’t beat myself up to much over it.

I had convulsions from birth until I was just on five, was in and out of hospital with them for most of the first five years of my life. By the time I started school just after I turned 5 I had no more.  Dr Mohamed Abdelhady said he is starting to wonder if I never have completely grown out of convulsions and wondering if I have neurologic abnormalities which my moods are affected as a result, he did say if this is the case, it defiantly won’t be helping the depression what so ever. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady is going to be sending a referral for an EEG to be done.

Right at this point, I don’t really know where I stand with mental health as it seems to me that they keep changing their mind on some stuff. I am really fucking confused with what I am getting told and where I stand with them. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady is still going on about that I need to trust the mental health system. How the fuck am I suppose to trust the system when they keep changing their minds, getting told 2 different things within 24 hours and I keep getting mucked the fuck around. With him keep on saying that you need to trust the system, is starting to put me off. What would make me have more faith in the system is the fact that they pull their fingers out of their asses, stop mucking me around and prove to me that they are willing to change.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady has asked Stephen what my temper has been like lately. Stephen has said that I am snapping even at the littlest things now. Stephen said he feels like that my temper seems to be getting worst as time goes on. Dr Mohamed Abdelhady explained that it will be between no getting enough sleep and the depression getting worst.

The doctor asked about my sleeping, I honesty told him that I am not getting more than three hours a night. I also told him that I had stopped the Quetapel as well because I did get up to 100mg and still not getting a lot of sleep plus I was getting side effects and that was getting too much for me. He still wants me to take them despite the side effects and not being able to operate normally during the day. I am a believer if a drug is stopping you from functioning during the day then it is not worth carry on with or going down to a lower dose. Everyone should be able to feel as normal as they during the day.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady wants me to do this chart thing over the next week. Zero is happy, and hundred being the worst/sad. He wants me to do it at night before I head to bed. I am not planning on doing it as I do not see how this going to help me right at this point. And it does seem really stupid and something I would expect that they would do with a child, and not an adult. I am not lowering myself. He reckons it could make me see how happy I get during the day. Puff my days aren’t full of happiest, it’s full of sadness. I felt like saying HELLO dude, what makes you think that I am happy when I am full of sadness and thoughts that life is not worth living at all.

Deanne (mental health key worker) was in the appointment as well. She said that I have been appointed a key worker Maxine. I met Maxine last week, she was ok but I just didn’t like her that much but I would have been fine with having hr as a key worker. I received a letter in the mail today for an appointment with a Simon Macdonald on Wednesday 3^rd of August 2011 at 2pm. I had no idea what this was so I rang, the lady who I spoke to said he was my key worker. I said I was told yesterday that I have Maxine for a key worker. The reply I got was, maybe they didn’t know he already put his hand to take you on as a client. She also said she will check it out. Nothing about letting me know what is what. I do not want a male key worker. Males cannot be trusted full stop and they are fucking creeps. what this was so I rang, the lady who I spoke to said he was my key worker. I said I was told yesterday that I have Maxine for a key worker. The reply I got was, maybe they didn’t know he already put his hand to take you on as a client. She also said she will check it out. Nothing about letting me know what is what. I do not want a male key worker. Males cannot be trusted fully and they are fucking creeps. I have trust issues also with females but that isn’t as bad as the trust issue with males. I am too scared to say that I do not want a male key worker just in case they that because you are refusing a male key worker, we cannot help you so we going to discharged you from our service. To be honest I am shit scared of males and I am going to get hurt by one again. I am just finding myself at the moment regretting in trying to get help. Especially if I can’t speak up for myself and tell them.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady Wants to see me again in 2 weeks. My next appointment is Tuesday 9^th of August at 3pm. And only Thursday he told me that he wants to check up on me weekly for a while. It has made me feel more confused as he keeps changing his mind all the fucking time. You would have thought he will make a plan with the client and sticking to it and only change the plan when need be, instead of saying one thing one week and then saying something else the following week. I am sure he is a doctor that doesn’t know his own mind or maybe just enjoys messing with his clients heads when they are at their weakest. I don’t like him very much but only putting up with him.

People are coming out with the whole you only doing this for attention seeking buzz. I keep asking myself how. It really hurts that people think like this and not having the support in real life. I am sitting here thinking if people feel this way about me, why the fuck am I sitting here doing this blog and no killing myself. What will it take for people to realise that depression isn’t a joke and it really can mess with people minds and life.

My depression is starting to take its toll in Stephen and my relationship. Stephen isn’t coping too well with the way I am and I don’t want it to pull him down but unfortunately it is. I feel so bad for pulling our relationship down. I just feel at the moment he will be better off without me or my crap at the moment as I can really see it affecting him deeply. It is not good for his mental health. It’s entirely my fault. I don’t know how to fix it, even thou I want to fix it.

I have been in tears for most of the day and have been trying so hard to keep my mind busy but it hasn’t worked. I am at a lost to what I could do to try and get myself to calm down. Cleaning, getting wood sorted and lighting the fire, cuddling the cats, watching TV etc haven’t worked. Maybe a nice long walk in the rain alone might help but if I did, the police might get rang again so I think that is out of the question.

Self hate and thinking of that everything that has happen over the last few months is entirely my fault. Seriously I don’t have no one else to blame for my depression, the crap I went thru as a child and teenager, the crap my GP and mental health has put me thru plus everything else that comes with it. I only have myself to blame. The easy way out looks great right about now. So fucking confused to what to do right now.