One fruit loop in the making

I have been in bed for most of the day watching movies in between being on the computer. I’ve just been feeling too weak and cold to do anything.

My old boy Tootsie kept hoping in under the blankets with me and cuddling up today. It was like he knew when I was in bed and that I am feeling pretty crappy within myself. He is really a loveable cat on the whole. I will miss him the day he goes. He is one cat that I would never be able to replace.

My mood has been flat and not giving a fuck. Really just can’t be fucked facing the world, let alone myself at the moment. I just feel I have nothing to hold onto to get me thru. I don’t have kids; I haven’t seen my family in years, being stuck at home almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and barely seeing any friends don’t help.

On the friends front, it feels like the only time they come near my place is when they want something but expect me to go and see them whenever I can. Most friends now I don’t go see as they don’t come near, even most of the ones who live in Palmerston North, there is a couple of them often go thru Levin or actually in Levin but won’t come near me. I must be a friend that I am not worth the time or effort on their part. Oh well, I guess I really know who my true friends really are.  Even at times when I decide to see a friend, most of them seem to make excuses why I can’t pop in or stay for long. Come on guys if you think you are a true friend then get your bullshit together.

I only got just under 3 hours sleep last night. I don’t feel tired but don’t feel rested either. I guess I am sitting somewhere in between. I really wish my sleeping pattern would sort itself out and then maybe I would be able to start dealing with the depression.

This morning I was planning on trying to have a proactive day and get some housework done. I think the only things I got done was cooked dinner, feed the cats this morning and tonight, lit the fire and put on two loads of washing while I was waiting for dinner to cook. Really need to get my butt into gear and do the dishes before we have ants taking over. But the motivation and energy isn’t coming at all.

One thing I am starting to wonder with me feeling the cold more than I normally do, is the fact its part of the depression and how it affects people. I just can’t get warm and stay warm for more than 20 minutes, no matter how much clothes I have on, how warm it is inside or how many blankets I have on my bed at the moment. It is totally awful and I really hate the cold. I can’t wait for summer again.

I go back and see Dr Mohamed Abdelhady on Tuesday 26^th of July at 11am. I am really not looking forward to it at all. I actually really scared in going. I suppose I am scared a bit that I will end up getting sectioned at some stage and a bit scared that the shit is going to hit the fan more. But maybe I could also be scared of myself.  But who really knows at this stage how things are going to work out in the end.

Thoughts of self harm are still racing thru my head. I am finding it hard going to fight these demons. I am at the point I want to ask for help but I am so terrified that I will get pushed aside again. I know deep down that I don’t want to self harm but the thoughts are really over powering everything. I am scared that the thoughts are going to win the battle, and most likely will in time. I just feel like I’m going loopy.

Wish there was an easy quick fix for depression. And not a long hard road to recovery with what seems like a millions of bumps, upwards and downwards hills on the way.