Journey of hell

I have had depression since about August/September. It has been a long and hard journey for the last few months. The stresses in life got to me, the way people were taking me for a joy ride and the way they treated me, having other people shit ending on my door step, finances, coping on my own with Stephen’s bipolar, Stephen and I having trouble within our relationship, my own health, and the built up of the abuse I suffered as a child and when my mother lost her battle to cancer just a month after my 18^th birthday that I have never dealt with.

 My moods have been low, not being able to sleep much (at points going 2 or 3 days/night without sleeping), not being to concentrate fully, feeling hopeless and helpless, negative thoughts ran thru my mind on a several time a day thing, I lost my appetite and wasn’t eating much at all (still didn’t do much for my weight thou sadly), I’ve been more irritable and short-tempered, and thoughts that life is not worth living at all (and still do to this day).

I went up to Tauranga for a week for a much needed break and to clear my head. I really had to decide if I really wanted to carry on with the relationship with Stephen. In this time is when I realised I really did have depression and this was what my problem had been. So my goal was to head to my GP when I got home.

Right at the beginning I went to my GP (Dr O’Connell) about the depression. She was not interested at all. She turned and said you are fine. I remember sitting there thinking what the fuck. Both Stephen and I were horrified with how she reacted. Stephen and I left and leaving me feeling like that I wasted mine and the doctors time on top of feeling like a no body.

I then went to two other GP's with pretty much the same result. By this time I was feeling at my lowers with not knowing was in the short/long term future for me. My future was so unclear to me and still is. If I had known at this stage how far my depression and the effects was going to have on my life, I would of pushed it more at the time.  Stephen went to the all the appointments with the whole three GP’s and openly said anything that I missed out. And that was still not good enough in their eyes.

I was trying to cope on my own until October when I broke down and had a mental melt down. I was a complete mess at the time and was so suicidal.  Someone had ringed the police; they were great and wanted to help. However they had to bring in the crisis team from mental health. I was detained and was put into a cell on suicide watch.  

When the crisis team arrived, they spoke to me, said I was fine to go home (mainly because there was Stephen at home with me). And they said they will refer me onto the Horowhenua Mental Health team, which I was fine with.

A Jackie from mental health team rang me on the Monday morning to go in later that day. A friend Kelly and Stephen both came with me for support.

We arrived and in the assessment just got worst as it went on. As soon as Jackie knew I was on hormonal tablets for irregular and heavy periods. She started blaming the tablets. Even thou, we tried to explain that the depression started weeks before I started on the hormonal tablets. This made me feel worst more than ever.  

Jackie told me that the mental health team has a meeting every Wednesday to discuss any new cases and she will get back to me on the Wednesday afternoon to let me know what the next step is. When I hopped into the car, I just busted into tears. I then felt like I had no option but to deal with this on my own.  By the Friday we never heard back so Stephen rang and asked her what is going on, still no answer. So Stephen was ringing every few days with no luck at all.  

We then went thru Tina at the Nationwide Health and Disability Advocacy Service in Palmerston North to lay complaint with mid central health. Tina was just awesome to deal with. She helped us the whole way thru the complaint. When they did reply to the complaint, they never said anything about any of the issues we bought up in the complaint. So we contacted them and said we were not happy with the outcome and we want a meeting to discuss this complaint, the person from mental health who was dealing with the complaint rang Tina and said what she wanted now. Tina had to explain that they never responded to the issues outline in my complaint and we want a meeting, also go back and read the letter of complaint. The respond Tina got was aw ok.

A couple of weeks or so after mental health received my complaint; an appointment arrived in the mail to see a Dr Jenny Smith at the mental health. Kelly and Stephen both came with me to the appointment on the 22^nd of December 2010. Attending the meeting with Dr Jenny Smith was a big mistake; she didn’t give a shit, wouldn’t listen, and wouldn’t let Kelly and Stephen speak. She actually told them to shut up. Whole 3 of us were horrified with the way she treated us, it was really shocking coming from a doctor. So again I got no support from mental health and was discharged from them.

I finally received a time and date for the meeting but mental health failed to inform Tina about the meeting. Lucky that I said something to her about the meeting about a week or so before hand. Tina was not happy about the fact they didn’t let her know about it. The meeting went ahead about March/April of this year. The meeting went better than I was expecting. Kelly, Stephen and Tine were all at the meeting as well so it did help having the back up there if needed. Both Kelly and Stephen also said their concerns about the treatment that was given by mental health. The guy who we had the meeting was good and actually kept to his word which also I was not expecting. He was so shocked with the treatment that was given by Dr Jenny Smith. He said he has never known her to do that in all the years he has known her. But I did past the comment about how many patients did get this treatment by her but never came forward?

Since December again, I found myself left dealing with my depression on my own and Kelly got to the point that she had to back off due to problems arising in her own life, which I fully understand. So for seven months I was dealing with being in a dark place by myself and not wanting to put my trouble upon Stephen due to his bipolar and I just didn’t want to bring him down with my crap.  

I have not been on any medication what so ever in this time, the GP’s at the time decided that I didn’t need any at all and Dr Jenny Smith said that my GP needs to deal with giving me some medication.

Then on Monday 11^th of July 2011 I started to have a meltdown. On the Tuesday I just broke down completely, Stephen rang mental health and they wanted to talk to me but I just said out loud that it is pointless because they will fuck ass me around like last time and it wasn’t worth the effect. Not long after that I just walked out of the house. As I was walking out I turned and said to Stephen that I might as well be dead and get it all over and done with. Just after I walked out of the back door he rang the police. I didn’t get far from home at all. I just got half way down Kings Drive when the police caught up to me. They asked me what was going on and I was at the point I just wanted to be left alone and told them to fuck off.  At the time it was pissing down in rain, it was windy and cold as fuck. But I couldn’t care less to be honest. The two male police officers told me to get into the back of the car and out of the rain. I refused pointed blanked. They grab an arm each and almost slammed me into the side of the patrol car. I just stood my ground and they only moved me a step and couldn’t move me anymore. They finally talked me into the car and told me that I was being detained for a Psychologist assessment.

I had still the same sort of problems as before apart from Stephen and me sorting a few things out in our relationship. But on top of what was already there, I was at the time four and a half weeks post op after having a shoulder operation and have had problems off and on due to the op. Selina bitching and moan, making out she was worst than everybody else, and coming out saying she got the same as you after she finds out whatever is wrong at the time.  Then there is Stephen Bitching and moaning about whatever he can bitch and moan about, even the smallest thing ever, this was driving me fucking nuts. I even tried telling Stephen but nope he wouldn’t stop and fucking listens to me.

The on duty mental health workers came down to the police station to do an assessment. Jackie who I dealt with last time was one of the two who arrived. I point blanked refuse to be in the same room as her. I knew deep down with the state I was in, I would have up and punched her head in. So the other female came into the cell with a police officer, and spoke to me. She said say that I could go home, and try and get me an appointment with one of their doctors as soon as she can. And she said she will let the doctor know that a fresh start is needed with them. The police then took me home.

I stormed into my bedroom when I got home and shut the door behind me. I sat at my window and had a quick smoke and a drink of the coke I had in the bedroom. I then walked out into the lounge and had ago at Stephen for calling the police on me. I then walked into the kitchen grabbed a knife and then walked out again. Our boarder Selina told Stephen to start following me while she rang the police. By this time I was very suicidal by this time and only had one thing in mind that was to end it all.

Stephen started following me down Weraroa Road in the direction of Horowhenua College. We argued for a bit and I told him to fuck of home and leave me alone. He finally stopped following me half way between York Street and Queen Street. I had the knife up one of my sleeves so nobody could see it. I walked a fare way and ended up in front of Horowhenua College in the end when I saw two police car drive past me. I decided to move on from there.

I decided that I needed to go to the toilet so I headed to the toilets across the road from the Levin mall car park. When I almost got there a third police car went pass me. I went to the toilet and after that I started walking home again. I got as far as Clark Street when the police finally caught up to me which was at least a couple of hours or so later or felt like it anyway. I was arrested with being in possession of a knife in a public place and detained again for another Psychologist assessment. I was almost peppered sprayed.

I was taken back to the police station, processed and was made to wear overalls with nothing else on. The police officers who arrest me said that if I make bail, my only bail condition is that I was to be in mental health care. They wanted to section me. I was then put into a cell with a video camera in it.

It felt like that my whole life was up in the air and the police this time made me feel like they were even against me. I don’t know if the case was at all.

The crisis team was rang came down from Palmerston North. They rang and had a chat with Stephen before having a chat with me. They then rang Stephen and had another chat with him and asked him to come down and pick me up. They then said that I was fine with going home. One of the police officer was not happy with me going home and by this time it was agreed within the police officer that they will only give me a pre-charge warning and release notice so they couldn’t get me section or set bail conditions for me.

When Stephen did arrive to pick me up, this officer keep saying to Stephen, don’t let her go home otherwise she is going to kill you within the week (I didn’t threaten to harm anybody else but myself). Then I will turn up and say I told you so. Stephen was so horrified with this but he didn’t fall for it. I have a feeling this is not the only thing the officer said to him, but Stephen isn’t telling me everything. And the officer was going to me out back that I shouldn’t be going home because I am a threat to myself, and yes I had to agree with him there as I knew I was a threat to myself.

The woman that saw me the first time at the police station the day before rang me early Wednesday morning and said that there is an appointment at 1pm that afternoon to see one of their doctors (Dr Mohamed Abdelhady). So I agreed to take the appointment. I suppose it is a plus that I am now in the mental health system and receiving some form of help.

Stephen came with me to the appointment. He spoke with me about what has been happening in my life and how I was feeling right at that point etc. It was agreed on that he will start me on some medication. He gave me a script for Quetapel 25mg, Lorazepam 1mg and Citalopram 20mg. I started them that day. The doctor said that I am critical. Also he is wondering if I have Bipolar and PTSD but at this stage he isn’t going to go down that path until we get the depression under control. He also added that I do have a couple of the signs showing for bipolar and as for PTSD he is wondering because of the abuse I suffered as a child which I never have dealt with at all and with it affecting me as an adult.

Sadly I started having an allergic reaction to one of the medications the night I started them. At this point we only knew I had the rash on my face and arms. Stephen rang mental health on the Thursday morning and told them, nothing happen. By Friday morning, the rash was worst so he rang again, one of the key workers (Phil) came around, looked at it, took a photo and said I will go back and speak to one of the doctors and ring you back. He did ring back and said to carry on taking the medication. So I did take it that night. On the Saturday morning my eyes started to swell, and around my eyes were bright red. Stephen then rang the afterhour’s mental health number which goes to the crisis team. He told them straight out that I was stopping them; their reply was she cannot stop them. Stephen said that because I was having a reaction to one of them that I was stopping them without any questions asked. They told him to take me to a doctor, he told them that we could not afford to go to a afterhours doctor, then they said take her into ED. Stephen just said if we can’t afford to take her to a doctor then we surely cannot afford the petrol to take her to Palmerston North Hospital (which is close to 60km away)

So from that point I wasn’t on any drugs. But by Sunday morning the reaction had gotten worst.  So we decided if we can afford the afterhour’s doctor or not, I was going. Stephen rang to see who was on. Horowhenua Community Practice was the on-call practice which I thought was great as I knew I could book it up and able to pay it off. Stephen rang them and asked if it was ok if I could book it up and they were happy with that. We went straight down and saw a Dr King. He was in total disbelieve with the treatment I got from mental health. He also made a point that mental health should be really paying for that afterhour’s doctor fee, which I was thinking anyway. It was then we discovered that the rash was also on my back. He gave me prednisone 5mg for the rash and itching. I worked out before hand that my reaction was caused by Citalopram. I showed the doctor the three medications I was on and said that I am picking the Citalopram that I have the allergic reaction too. He agreed and said that out of the three, that is the most likely one I would have had the reaction too. But fuck $77.50 without CSC later I finally got someone to listen about the reaction.

Stephen rang mental health back on Monday and spoke to Phil. Stephen said to him, you knew about the rash and the reaction to the medication but you still told her to carry on with it. Phil then rudely said to Stephen it was only on her arms; Stephen then said it was on her face as well and I pointed this out to you on Friday. From then on out, Phil would not let Stephen speak so he hangs up in the end. Stephen then rang the local Labour MP office and spoke to Mark and explained to him what had been happening. Mark said that he will ring mental health and try and sort something out for us. Now we are laying another complaint about Phil and mental health with the treatment I got over having an allergic reaction to Citalopram. Stephen spoke to Tina from Nationwide Health and Disability Advocacy Service and she is happy to help us again with the complaint. She was saying the mental health team down here has had a lot of complaints against them due to their bad service which I do believe. Their service is utter crap.

Jill from mental health rang and said that I have appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady at 1pm tomorrow (Tuesday). That was all good. Stephen and I turned up at 1pm to find out that the appointment had been cancelled that morning. They reckon they rang and left a message on our answer phone. Which we did go out for a bit in the morning and there were no messages left on our answer phone from mental health when we got home. There was only one and that was Karen from Physio. It feels like that mental health thinks we have nothing better to do apart from them fucking me around all the time. Stephen and I well also put this in as part of our complaint to mental health. We did speak to someone by the name of Nikki, she seem to be ok to deal with. We told her that we are laying another complaint because of the treatment we got from Phil; she said that it was all good as it was a good way for them to improve their service. Which got me thinking that if they have had all these complaints from different people then you would have thought their service would be a lot better now, go to show that mental health isn’t prepared to get their act together any time soon. She made me another appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady for Thursday 21^st of July. I was thinking well I am not holding my breath for this appointment as they already cancelled one and failed to let me know.

Stephen rang my doctor clinic on the Monday and spoke to the Nurse Jo. He told her about the reaction to Citalopram. She then rings back and said she has spoken to Dr O’Connell and she wants to see me about what has been happening. So an appointment was made for Wednesday 20th of July at 3.15pm which I kept. She just wanted to know the outcome etc and said she got a three page report from mental health. As we were leaving, I said to Stephen that it had to get to the stage it is at now for her to want to know about it. I also pasted the comment to him that it is sad that it got to the point of me walking around the streets with a knife up my sleeve before anyone decided to give me the help I had been asking for right from the start, which saddens me deeply. She did however give me a script for loratadine 10mg and Hydrocortisone lotion for the remained rash and itching, also she gave me another course of prednisone 20mg for my asthma.

I went to my appointment with Dr Mohamed Abdelhady on the Thursday. I told him about the reaction from the medication, about my sleeping where I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep and I did go 3 nights without no sleep what so ever, that I still was suicidal, that I have been spacing out kind of thing and still being agitated. He has decided to only give me one medication at a time now and he going to try and get me to sleep at least 6 hours a night so I am only on Quetapel at the moment. He did say that I can take up to 200mg of Quetapel at a time to get some sleep plus a half to a full tablet of Quetapel during the day if my mood got to low.

He also kept going on at me about I need to trust them and we are having a fresh start etc. I remember sitting there thinking to myself how the fuck am I suppose to trust them now when they have already fucked up twice this time around and I just can’t let go with what happen last year. He also said that when I need the help I need to ring and not Stephen, again I am sitting there thinking fuck man, I haven’t asked him once to ring, he has chosen to ring himself and no way will I ring, one I totally hate talking on the phone and two I do not trust them fully. I just decided to go with it as I was not in the mood in justifying myself with anyone. He also said that I am still on the critical list and this is why I have not been signed a key worker yet and I just have to deal with whoever the duty key worker is on the day. He also reckons I am too hard on myself which I don’t think I am. He even comment on how I have turned out as he was saying that a lot of people who has gone thru what I have as a child is now as adults are using drugs, brooze and getting into crime. I did tell him as a teenager I did use drugs for a while. But I never told him that I also used brooze at the same time. And for the crime, it is just a case of me not getting court yet as an adult. As a teenager, I did start going down that road which some of it the police was involved in but somehow I managed to get away with it. But again I didn’t tell him this. I know I should of told him but at this stage I don’t want to come clean about to much personal details about myself.

Dr Mohamed Abdelhady also asked the on duty key worker who sat in the meeting to give me a ring on Friday to see how I was going. We agreed on about 11am for her to ring but I didn’t hear from her till about mid afternoon. At that point I really couldn’t be fucked going into how I was feeling so I just said I was ok. She asked about how many Quetapel I took the night before, I told her three and I kept waking during the night and I don’t feel rested at all. She did say that I will then need to take it up to four a night, which I haven’t done just as yet. As I don’t like the side effects, the drugged up and sleepy feeling I have during the day. I might just bite the bullet and do at some stage over the weekend.

It is now Saturday 23th of July. I am still feeling really suicidal and feeling like bursting into tears every few minutes (so far I managed to hold back the tears). Thoughts of self harm have crossed my mind (just hurting myself) a lot in the last few days. I did get some sleep last night but feel really tired today and have no energy. If I had my way, I would still be lying in bed and watching whatever is on TV. I just don’t want to do anything or front anyone at this point. I suppose this is the depression that’s doing its thing.

I just want to go off and end it all this. I am just at the end of my road. I feel like I can’t take any more of what I am feeling.

After this last lot of break down me think that the first time, I thought I was bad and thought I couldn’t go any lower then but I surely proven myself wrong there big time.

One thing I really have noticed since 12^th of July that both Fluffy and Tootsie haven’t gone far from me. Both cats are sticking around me more lately. Cats are smarter than they let on most of the time.